DAILY BRIEFS XLII: Prehistoric Sewers, Funkhouser’s Campaign Finance Reports, Disgusting Culinary News
By CHRIS PACKHAM
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?
• The Giants beat the Patriots 17-14 in Super Bowl Roman Numeral XLII, %{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4c89121ca96b962277″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%news you may have seen elsewhere — for instance, on the Super Bowl.
• The Funkhouser campaign is busily filing amended campaign finance reports. It looks tentatively like they’ve made their previous embarrassing $80,000 discrepancy vanish via an accounting procedure whereby you actually hire an accountant to look through your receipts. TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME GENDER OBSOLESCENCE?
• Operating under the misapprehension that there’s a shortage of sperm on the planet, some scientists made sperm cells out of female bone marrow. In the interest of gender equality, the article does make the point that “Gay men could follow suit by using the technique to make eggs from male bone marrow.” OK, nice human ova you’ve got there, Elton John, but now you’re going to have to find a womb-for-hire on Craigslist. Here’s where scientists should be focusing their research endowments: Coding up whole babies that replicate via mitosis, like tribbles, which we could then drop on William Shatner’s head in ironic homage.
• Is it too soon to start making fun of the worst online memorials to Heath Ledger? Because if it is, I need to mark my calendar for the socially appropriate date to point out that hysterical keyboard eulogies don’t get much girlier than this one by Harry Knowles on Ain’t It Cool News. It’s hard to cherry-pick the best parts, but the Bratz Doll temper tantrum toward the end has to be one of the most embarrassing things to attempt to read aloud when your girlfriend is in the room:
“I’m so pissed about this. Not at Heath – but at the cruel fucking fate of the world that would take an actor at his absolute prime – right when he was about to explode with what seems like an astonishing performance as the Joker. This is just cruel.”
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR INFRASTRUCTURE UPGRADES?
• If you answered “Yes. Yes, I am ready for some multibillion-dollar infrastructure upgrades,” then it will come as fantastic news that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is threatening a lawsuit if the city does not submit a plan to cover the $3.6 billion cost of a new sewer and stormwater system by July. The “cruel fucking fate” of a federal agency that would sue a city right when it was about to “explode” with a new downtown commercial district has compelled Mayor Mark Funkhouser to form a task force to determine how the city will pay to replace the current system, which was completed in 1871. Other things that happened in 1871:
• January 2 – Amadeus I becomes King of Spain.
• March 29 – The Royal Albert Hall is opened by Queen Victoria.
• May 13 – Frau Carolina Augusta Wilhelmine Ritter, the last known descendant of the composer Johann Sebastian Bach, dies. A moment of silence, please, for Frau Carolina Augusta Wilhelmine Ritter.
• October 27: ARE YOU READY FOR THE RETURN OF THE FRENCH BOURBON FLAG? The Comte de Chambord refuses to be crowned ‘King Henry V of France’ until France abandons its tricolor flag. OHSNAP!
• December 2 – Your grandma rides her dinosaur to a memorial for Frau Carolina Augusta Wilhelmine Ritter.
ARE YOU READY FOR VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA FOLLOWED BY DEFIBRILLATION?
• Press releases are news, which is why they “release” them to the “press.” Church’s Fried Chicken has opened its 1,600th location. In Blue Springs, Missouri. And it’s located inside the favorite dining venue of discerning gourmands, a Conoco gas station.
