Daily Briefs: We’re being audited.

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My dad always thought I’d end up working in a factory or something. The Plog sweatshop is a little bit like a factory, only instead of watching all the beer bottles moving down the line, it’s a big room full of writers pecking at their, whatever, their “peckerboards.” Is that a word? We all answer to Justin, and Justin answers to Plog Shift Supervisor Faysal Alkhaiwani.

Faysal’s wardrobe never varies: Polyester slacks, short-sleeved button-down shirt, knit tie, 365 days a year. Even on “casual Friday.” He’s like a dependable rock of consistency in these assy, poopy days of economic turmoil, disease, war, pestilence, famine and death, as foretold in the Precious Moments Bible’s Book of Adorable Revelations. No matter what, Faysal will always be wearing his knit tie, pocket protector and Kenneth Cole loafers, and right around lunchtime, the pleasing smells of machbous and khubz come wafting from his office, every single day.

It was kind of a surprise, then, when he came up to my desk with a fat sheaf of the continuous printer paper that comes spooling out of the dot matrix printer he inexplicably continues to use, and said, “Packham. Plog is under quota for the quarter. Get the numbers up. Auditors come on Monday.” The whole upshot, here, is that I have to post an extra ten Daily Briefs posts, and for various reasons having to do with how Corporate calculates our productivity, they all have to go up today. Fair warning, you guys, it’s Daily Briefs day on the Plog.