Daily Briefs: Voting, Dunking and Drinking
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
A Daily Briefs Guide to Voting Day: It’s voting day again! Before you head to the polls, ask yourself two questions: Am I registered? And can I see your tits? WHOOOO! VOTING DAY! Brought to you by Stroh’s. If you want a string of these awesome Voting Day beads and a sticker that says, “I VOTED,” you know what to do!
As far as the ballot? There are three controversial measures waiting for your approval or your disapproval — and if you’re anything like your dad, that ballot will never know one way or the other. HAHAHAHA! Your parents were emotionally withholding. VOTING DAY! WHOOOOO!
Question One: the bus system. The ATA wants voters to continue a 3/8-cent sales tax to fund metro buses. But the tax was originally supposed to be for a light-rail system. You have to decide whether you want to take out your frustrated desire for light rail on Kansas City’s spotty bus service. Daily Briefs believes you should vote yes and instead take out that frustration on your wife, via the nonviolent means of passive-aggressive retribution, as opposed to the non-nonviolent means of quick rabbit punches to the stomach so bravely opposed by Mahatma Gandhi.
Question Two: Payday lenders. If approved, payday lenders would have to register with the Missouri Sex Offender Registry, report to their local police station twice weekly and would be disallowed from living near parks, schools or churches. The American Association of Payday Lenders reminds you to use payday loans responsibly.
Question Three: Public smoking ban. Bans the rich flavor of cigarettes in enclosed public spaces and workspaces, including restaurants and bars, but exempts casinos, day-care centers and the old dynamite shack down in the holler. The State Voter Registry reminds you that, used responsibly, your vote can clog the electoral college and throw an election to the loser of the popular vote. WHOOOOO! USA!!!!!
Max Von Sydow Congratulates the Jayhawks: KU won the national championship in a 75-68 victory against the Memphis Elvises last night. To all my Kansas friends, I say: Live it up now, because the polar ice caps will be gone in less than 10 years. When you’re crawling through the blasted wasteland that used to be Lawrence, killing fellow Jayhawks for water and trying not to be raped by the internal combustion gangs or eaten by cannibals, you can look back on last night’s game as a time when you were happy and oblivious to the searing heat of the sun or the terrifying blackness of a night unrelieved by the lights of civilization. ROCK CHALK HAWKS! WHOOOOO! Also, your children will be dead.
More sports, kinda’, sorta’: The Power and Light District invites all Royals fans to celebrate the season opener in the district! For some reason. Because, in that there are sports bars there, it has so much to do with baseball. There is literally no event that could not be enhanced by proximity to the Power and Light District, including bat mitzvahs, behavioral interventions, parent-teacher conferences or disinterring the remains of a loved one who died in a cold-case murder.
SWEET CHRIST! I am powerless against this video. It’s like kryptonite for pissy smartasses! For three minutes, I sat motionless, unable to respond to outside stimuli. DAMN YOU, KITTEN! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
