Daily Briefs: Truck Nutz Bullet-Point News Briefs in Brief
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Tonight, Barack Obama will be the first sitting American president to appear on the Tonight Show, guest-sandwiched between Andy Dick and Kevin Pollack. When he moves to the middle of the couch to accomodate Kevin Pollack, Andy Dick will keep doing annoying shit like asking the President to “Smell my finger,” holding his finger under Obama’s nose, and interrupting Kevin Pollack’s tedious William Shatner impression by repeatedly shouting, “KAISER SOZE!” Then he will have a brain aneurism and fucking die and nobody will be sorry and the world will go on as though he had never existed, the end.
Kansas City doesn’t have a budget yet for next year — but it’s one step closer! KMBC’s Micheal “My mom couldn’t spell and the nurses didn’t bother correcting her, because to them it’s FUNNY for a kid to go through life with a totally misspelled first name, fuckin’ nurses” Mahoney, whose nickname doesn’t fit on a business card, and who reportedly hates nurses according to the tiny little man who flies through my window at night and whispers in my ear, reports that the $1.3 billion budget has been presented by the city finance and audit committee with a fancy flouorish of white gloves and an unexpected pop of glittering confetti. BUT: The Mayor is publicly pretending to be “unhappy” with the budget, because he publicly opposes budget cuts for police (he does not give a shit about budget cuts for police, but it’s his new “thing,” like when a middle-aged dude decides to start brewing his own beer, and suddenly it’s all he talks about for like two months, trying to become “microbrew” guy, even though making his own beer turned out to require more time and work than he thought he wanted to put into it.)
Fox 4’s Leslie Carto reports on JOBS OF THE FUTURE!!! Between you and me, HVAC technicians are always going to be in demand, and if the kids you know are anything like the technical-high-school-attending little shits I know, that’s exactly what they’re going to be doing for the next thirty or forty years, as their beer-bellies get larger and their ass cracks blossom from the waistlines of their Osh Kosh B’Gosh jeans. But let’s suppose you actually know a bunch of fancy mortarboard-wearing Royal Tenenbaums, and that those kids are going to need to prepare for the JOBS OF THE FUTURE! Here’s a hilariously earnest sentence about those jobs written by Leslie Carto:
“That means sustainability is a word you’ll want your kids to understand. And at Johnson County Community College, sustainability doesn’t just mean a re-usable coffee cup!!!!” (Exclamation points added for earnest effect)
Here’s an unconventionally constructed sentence:
“Across the state line, students study for a career already around, but expected to get a big dose of demand.”
That part about the “big dose of demand?” It turns out to be an amazing play on words, because apparently the “career already around” is the very futuristic space-career of PHARMACY! I guess you thought the future promised booming industries in Bladerunnering and robot pleasuring. But the kicker is the embittered, cynical career councilor who brings the whole thing back around to interdisciplinary HVAC studies:
We asked one career coach what she’d tell kids about their future. She offered what she calls “radical” advice: maybe college isn’t the way to go. She suggested the trades.
Translation: Fuckin’ kids.
I don’t even know what to say about crazy AIG tax money bonuses, other than that somebody needs to grab AIG executive Edward M. Liddy by the shoulders and just SHAKE HIM AND SHAKE HIM like a toddler until he gives back EXACTLY HALF of the taxpayer money they handed out as a giant prize to the division that actually destroyed the company, ruining the economy to the point that SOME PEOPLE I KNOW, COUGH COUGH, lost their awesome jobs. Oh, what’s that? Liddy already politely asked employees to give back half of the money? Well, that’s going to work, obviously. That should take care of exactly half of the ambient political outrage harshing the nation’s economic mellow.
