Daily Briefs: Tough Day For Fetuses, Sprint’s People Woes, American Stupid Idol

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

…to Kansas City Police Department officers Melody Spencer and Kevin Schnell. It’s pretty clear that hard-core invalid license plate-flaunting perps on Kansas City’s mean streets won’t be able to hide behind their fetus shields any more. But have you stopped to think that maybe you’ve been paying too much attention to Sofia Salva’s post-arrest miscarriage, and not enough to the hurt feelings of Kansas City Police? Because you totally have been.

“It is the hearing officer’s opinion that failure to reinstate this outstanding officer will, in fact, lower the morale and visit disrespect on the department,” wrote tough-on-fetuses Jackson County Circuit Judge William F. Mauer. For the last year, the entire police department has been in a real downer-type mood, while officers Spencer and Schnell waited for Mauer’s non-binding recommendations. Tony’s Kansas City offers some non-binding commentary on the obvious racial implications so I don’t have to.

%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4089121ca96b9603e1″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%• The Kansas Senate’s top Democrats are endorsing Barack Obama, except for Kathleen Sebelius — she’s promised not to endorse anyone until after she delivers the rebuttal to President Bush’s State of the Union address.

• Overland Park-based Sprint is unable to make money because of the existence of every single person on the planet. It breaks down as follows:

First, the employees: Sprint might actually be able to make some money if they didn’t have to pay so goddamn many people. So they’re about to slash 4,000 jobs. Second, Marketwatch says the company has been hurt by a reliance on “credit-risky subscribers.” Message received: Sprint customers are as much of a drag on profits as Sprint employees. Then, Marketwatch cites “mediocre customer service” – that’s employees, again. Finally, Sprint is hurt by “a less attractive roster of handsets compared to competitors such as AT&T Inc., the exclusive provider of the iPhone.” That means the subscribers of other companies. Finally, there’s every other person on the planet not subscribing to any network.

As I recall, the first thing they teach aspiring business people in the HVAC courses at Vatterott College is: Cut all the people out of the equation. In the telecom world, that means building your business on a wirelessly networked world of cows, the fastest-growing sector of biomass on planet Earth.

• I’m a thinking man. Whenever my brain isn’t busy translating Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow into Hebrew, it’s calculating wave functions in base eleven or listening to A Prairie Home Companion, America’s favorite radio show for geriatric English majors. So I don’t know much about your television. Is Uncle Joey still doing his Bullwinkle impression?

I do know about American Idol, though, because I read the blog by The Kansas City Star‘s Tim Finn, Back to Rockville — it’s the kind of music blog that Lester Bangs would produce if he wore pleated Dockers pants and drove a PT Cruiser. Oh, and if he were still alive. And actually reviewing Hannah Montana shows. What you may not realize is that Back to Rockville had to spin its American Idol coverage into a whole ‘nother blog, as symbolized by the merging of the American Idol logo with Tim Finn’s head:

• “In the world of rollergames, there’s room at the top for only one — and there’s only one Kansas City Bomber!”