Daily Briefs: The Horsemen are drawing nearer, on the leather steeds they ride

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Radio Free Assmunch: I know Rush Limbaugh is supposed to “be funny” and to “have a sense of humor” and be a real “big-and-tall giggle-pants laff factory outlet” on his show every day. Heck, I’m on-record as a GIANT FAN of things that are funny, such as anything Zach Galifinakis says, or when I give my dog peanut butter. You have never seen anything so funny. It’s SO DELICIOUS! But it’s like MOUTH CEMENT! BUT SO DELICIOUS! Truly funny. But I’m apparently always stepping out of the room every time Rush Limbaugh is just on the verge of saying something funny, because I’ve consistently missed the funny part every single time since I first heard him, which was like 1991. Still: I’ll take your word for it that R. Limbaugh is a real “card” who always “gets off a bunch of rip-snorters.” I trust your judgment about things like that. Besides, not everyone can be The Best Show on WFMU with Host Tom Scharpling which, if you are not listening to it, you obviously hate things that are funny. But as funny as Rush Limbaugh might be, I’m pretty sure that the one thing he has absolutely no sense of humor about is himself, since he bigfoots all over any Republicans who break with conventional Republican wisdom and say anything candid or critical of him and his AM radio comedy show of hilarity. That is one gigantic, cushion-y and very fragile ego module he’s got there.

Anyway, there was a debate last week about whether or not fat potentate Rush Limbaugh was the Chairman and CEO of the Republican Party, and this week the debate mathemagically transformed into whether we’re all  stupid for even having the debate in the first place (we are). As a second-Snuggy-at-no-extra-cost bonus for ordering now, the new debate also comes with some kind of X-Files conspiracy theory about the Executive Branch cooking up the whole thing to distract the media from, like, socialism or something? YOU DON’T KNOW HOW DEEP THIS ONE GOES, Matt Drudge. IF YOU KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS, THE WRONG PEOPLE MIGHT START TO NOTICE.

Anyway, Ed Rollins of the renowned bands Black Flag and the Ed Rollins Band had this boring thing to say at CNN.com, and a Mr. “John Boner” wrote this op-ed in the Washington Post.

This whole post is just an excuse to link to TorrentFreak: With all due respect to my colleagues Peter Rugg and Justin Kendall, heavy metal is a bunch of loud power-chord melodrama for stunted pre-adolescents and babies. Wait. That might be a bit insulting.  SORRY, GUYS. I’ll start over and attempt to put my best Gene Simmons dragon-booted foot forward with the metal fans and just say that someday, your acne will clear up and your precious li’l fontanelles will knit together over your adorable skulls.

The moment when I realized I really hated Lars Ulrich, douchebag rhythmatist for heavy metal combo Metallica, came during the Napster hearings, whatever year that was. I seem to remember President Clinton jabbing his finger at the camera as suburb-core pop band Smash Mouth droned horribly in the background and America’s sweetheart, Ally McBeal, walked home alone in the rain. 1998 or 2000 or something. And as Lars told the Congressional Committee for the Investigation of Things That Are Awesome about how the band had “never been asked for their permission” to participate in the grand experiment whereby all the world’s intellectual property became free for download, I realized that the crybaby language of victimization, having now been co-opted by mega-rich douchebag musicians, had actually become a normal, everyday mode of communication rather than a rhetorical strategy for unpacking social imbalances, and which, when your grandparents were children, was only used on very special occasions such as suffrage rallies. The more things change. Why, did you know that nowadays, kids are having sex in the butt?

Anyway, Ulrich recently downloaded his own album, Death Magnetic, just to see what file sharing was like from the comfort of his own bejewelled mansion in the prestigious and exclusive Douchebaggery Hills neighborhood where he lives with his Lippizaner stallions and private stunt helicopter. If you’d like to see how it feels to be a big-shot rock star like Lars Ulrich by downloading a horrible, overproduced album by aging rockers whose best work is ten years behind them, click here. And HAIL SATAN, everyone!