Daily Briefs: Telecoms to become slightly less satanic

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Now that CVS offers home paternity tests, you can finally put to rest those lingering questions about who actually fathered your kids, previously impossible without the direct creepy intervention of Maury Povich. Oh, come on — you know you’re that baby’s daddy, but wouldn’t it make you feel better to see those chromosomal sequences line up all nice and pretty? It’s all about peace of mind, like accidental death and dismemberment coverage or the Backup gun rack, as seen on TV. And once you know for sure, I expect you to do the right thing and make an honest woman of your child’s mother, who gave you the most precious, precious gift one person can possibly give another: awkward, drunken sex without protection followed by its logical neonatal aftermath. After the jump, some discussion of jailhouse religion and Overland Park-based Sprint’s tentative experiment with possibly attempting to make customers happy. By clicking here, you are confirming to the state that this is the mother of your beautiful child: