Daily Briefs: Suspicious Packages, Steroidal Teens, Flesh-Eating Bacteria
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
• Police responded to a report of a suspicious package last night in Swope Park. Then, the police evacuated the police station at Hickman Mills and Longview after calling themselves, reporting a suspicious package and then responding to their own report.
And let’s not forget all the totally suspicious packages police are finding in Independence. As a counterbalance to all the suspicious packages in the Metro area, here is a totally innocent, trustworthy package — it’s a box of America’s favorite gay robot-based breakfast cereal, C-3PO’s — it’s exploding with honey-sweetened oats, wheat and corn! And also ammonium nitrate; LOOK OUT!
• Broadcast meteorology term that I hate: “light mix.” It was supposed to snow. Instead, it rained. So I walked from the bus stop to the office in the rain without a fucking umbrella. I saw you with your umbrella, fancy. In your bowler hat and your spats, I thought you were George W. Banks from Mary Poppins. Here’s a picture of you:
• Besides slashing the payroll, Sprint CEO Dan Hesse is reportedly hesitating about rolling out Sprint’s next-generation WiMax network. With an explanation of the difference between WiMax and Wi-Fi, here is Fancy Lad Quarterly spokesmodel You, with your fancy bowler hat and umbrella:
“Tut-tut! Whereas Wi-Fi is a short-range technology intended for the networking of devices in close proximity, WiMax — an acronym of Worldwide Interoperability for Microwave Access — is a long-distance technology intended as a wireless alternative to DSL and cable internet connectivity. Leading by a length in the final furlong, as it were! BUH-HAHAHAHAHA!”
Jesus, dial it down, fancy. Anyway, Sprint nonetheless showed off some compatible devices at the International Consumer Electronics Show, which you may or may not see in the future.
• Gov. Matt Blunt said the word “change” a lot last night in his State of the State address.
• Kids involved with team athletics are statistically the least likely to get involved with illegal drugs. Therefore, via circumlocutory moebius strip logic, we should test the living shit out of the little fuckers. This, according to grown-ups everywhere, from high school coaches to Supreme Court Justices. Missouri State Senator Matt Bartle, pictured at right to illustrate exactly the kind of person who would be terrified of high school athletes, figures any kids bigger than he is must be juicing.
• Morning Panic: You can totally die from kissing! The three weeks you spent bedridden with mononucleosis when you were sixteen is going to look like a Sandals Jamaica getaway package when you kiss someone — say, at an old-timey carnival kissing booth — and then die from flesh-eating bacteria! There’s an epidemic of MRSA in the gay populations of Boston and San Francisco. Before you heave your heterosexual sigh of relief, and go back to your not-gay round of straight people’s spin-the-bottle with the teenage girls you picked up on MySpace, researchers say a jump to the heterosexual population is inevitable.
