Daily Briefs: Shadowy Anti-Fun Directorate; Clay Chastain in the Matrix; Phill Kline in Your Uterus
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
Ren McCormack for City Council: I’d never heard of the Alcohol Beverage Advisory Group before, but doesn’t it sound absolutely kick-ass? Unfortunately, its name is deceptive, just like the American Center for Wildlife Conservation Policy, a conservative think-tank advocating for anti-Mexican eugenics programs. It’s all trickery. Ideally, the Alcohol Beverage Advisory Group would consist of Jimmy Buffett, Vince Vaughn, David Lee Roth and most of the people that I work with, including two Jen Chens.
However, the reality is that the board consists of “12 members of the community” and “the manager of Regulated Industries Division,” otherwise known as the Division most likely to push for the adoption of race-based eugenics programs due to sheer sociopathic misanthropy. Here’s a picture of their steering committee:
I think I heard that they made dancing illegal, too. Anyway. They’re meeting to discuss the “proposed ordinance changes” by which they make the city’s fun more grudgingly administered.
There’s nothing to do in Virginia: Clay Chastain has come all the way back to Kansas City from Virginia to speak out against the ATA tax increase on the April 8 ballot because it funds the city’s existing skeletal bus system, rather than the dense, high-speed light-rail system offering rapid transit around the inner circumference of Chastain’s skull. Look: The train system in my imagination is even way more kick-ass than Chastain’s — it’s powered by a nickel-metal hydride battery pack that recharges itself by harnessing the kinetic motion of the dancing Laugh-In bikini models employed by my brain’s rapid transit system. But I’m not trying to base public policy around it.
Unfortunately, when I’m outside the Matrix, I have to ride the actual mundane real-world MAX line which I believe is paid for via the hard-earned dollars of carpetbagging electrical engineers who live in Bedford, Virginia. Oh, wait: My mistake, it’s paid for by Kansas City residents like me and my homeslice Yael T. Abouhalkah, whose Matrix name is “Retro” according to this Matrix name generator.
I don’t know Yael, so I had to guess about his responses to the survey based on his columns and headshot in The Kansas City Star. His answers-by-proxy:
1) Masterpiece Theater.
2) TIGER!
3) Elvis Presley, obvs .
4) There is no spoon!
5) I suspected that his favorite outdoor activity would be gardening. Call it a hunch.
Anyway, “Retro” predictably rejects the new sales tax for the ATA, finding himself temporarily aligned with the political agenda of Clay Chastain (Matrix name: “Switchback”), which must be weird for both of them, like debate team rivals who pass out at a party and wake up on the lawn wearing the same pair of Fundies.
One man’s obsession with women’s clinics: Look — this isn’t about my support, or lack of support, for abortion. I’ve made it pretty clear that I like women, and that if they have inconvenient fetuses restricting their full range of motion, then I am against those fetuses.
My prenatal political opponents notwithstanding, I can’t believe this story is still going on, the same way I can’t believe E.R. still exists in any form: Phill Kline’s obsessive pursuit of personal information from Planned Parenthood patients continues this morning with a hearing related to Kline’s subpoena of certified copies of reports regarding late-term abortions from the Kansas Department of Health and Environment. Phill Kline, you are the unstoppable Anton Chigurh of right-wing fetus enthusiasts.
Why Kansas City needs public access television: In the long-past era of the 1980s, Gloria Huddle actually had an outlet to display her superhuman lack of any discernible talent for singing or acting. YES, that’s a clumsy feint at a British accent during her intro.
