Daily Briefs: Semler, Jackson County Taxes and the Vast Media Empire of the Historic Northeast

%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4689121ca96b96120f” data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%

By CHRIS PACKHAM

• Once a week, a toothless tweaker and his pregnant 15-year-old girlfriend come driving down my street in their 1980 Dodge Colt and whip the week’s issue of Northeast News, “The Unwelcome Bilingual Newspaper of the Historic Northeast Delivered by Meth-Addicted Degenerates” into the accumulated pile on the sidewalk in front of my house. And they’re obviously not going to stop anytime soon. So I’ve started following front-of-the-book columnist Buzz Bunny the Newshound, a plucky dog that reports about Kansas City. People — it’s a DOG that REPORTS THE NEWS! IT’S CRAZY!

Via Buzz Bunny the News Hound, I learned that Temptations in the Crossroads wants a zoning change that would allow it to expand into any space that shares a wall adjacent to its current location. (Lede: “The Crossroads District in downtown is barking up a storm…“) Anyway, this makes day two of my coverage of news reports about dirty, dirty adult businesses. As a palate cleanser, read this Hearne Christopher Jr. column about naked ladies with sushi on them.

• Ordinarily, I hate it when people “strike a blow for common sense,” because it usually means they’re going to bitch about how in America we DRIVE ON A PARKWAY and PARK ON A DRIVEWAY and then they smash a bunch of watermelons. But sometimes you have to take a brave stand against the prevailing wisdom and use the mammoth resources of your daily newspaper to say that police shouldn’t be allowed to force pregnant women onto their stomachs.

I never thought it was going to come to this, but with his support of officers Spencer and Schnell, criminal obstetrics expert and Jackson County Judge William F. Mauer is now making me think that maybe we actually need to sit down with law enforcement and lay out some simple guidelines. Things like “Do not taze the baby.” Just basic stuff you never thought you’d have to say out loud.

• When I was 5 years old, my dad sat me on his knee and said, “Buy low, sell high.” It changed my life. Thanks to my dad, I will totally not be buying gold right now, because it’s been bouncing up and down around the $900-an-ounce mark for a week or so. Dad followed up with “Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey,” a mnemonic device that changes your whole life once you learn it. Years too late, he would tell me, “Liquor before beer, have no fear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker.” I’m going to make sure my kids know that one by the time they get to kindergarten and also the folks at the Missouri Department of Social Services are totally going to know me by first name. I’ll be like Norm from Cheers down there.

• Frances Semler stepped down from the Parks Board today in the wake of a controversy about her political beliefs. Look: I’m no Minuteman. I’m as anti-pro-whitey as they come. And speaking as a Call of Duty pretend-combat veteran who’s shot a lot of virtual Nazis, I’m just not comfortable with all the pictures of neo-fascists attending Minuteman rallies. So Semler returns to her private life as a member of a gross club.

On the other hand, opinions are like class-D felony aggravated stalking convictions — everybody has one! And if I got fired from my job every time an employer found out about my *former* membership in Al-Itihaad al-Islamiya, I’d probably be delivering Northeast News in my 1989 Pontiac Firefly and smoking a lot of meth. C’mon, I WAS 20 YEARS OLD. Young, dumb, and full of righteous anger in the name of Allah, all praise be to Him. Like you never dabbled in militant Islam.

• Jackson County sharply raised property appraisals in 2007 after years of neglecting property value increases during the real estate boom. Now, property owners smacked with gigantic tax bills are throwing their tea in Jackson County’s FACE. This is really kind of a social conservative’s dream, because those tax dollars go to hippie socialist New Deal-type expenditures like public schools and fire departments. DOWN WITH THE MAN! (Pictured: The Man, inconsolable).

• Bloomsday Books is closing its doors for good. I don’t have a link for the store’s closing, because Google doesn’t know the URL for the part of my brain that loves Bloomsday Books. Here’s the e-mail:

Dear friends, customers, James Joyce readers and barflies,

After 14 years and a great deal of fun, the end is near for Bloomsday Books, at least as an open shop. As our internet sales have grown, our in-shop sales have dwindled to the point that it’s no longer worthwhile to pay rent and expenses. So Bloomsday Books will join the ranks of the online merchants.

It’s bittersweet for us, but there’s good news for you: A BIG sale starts Thursday, January 24th, and will run until our last day in the shop, targeted for Feb. 10.

Initially our inventory of 16,000 books will be offered at 30% off; over coming weeks we’ll drop to 40% to 70% off depending on the category. We’ll also be selling bookshelves, tables, chairs, the rare book case and some of the artwork. Bloomsday hours will be extended – 10 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, Saturday 10-5 – during these last weeks. Come early, come often!

Here is a list of some of the furniture, etc., for sale:

* Library table (the one we usually have in the window) – $500

* Library table with leather top (in back of the shop) – $400

* Long oval display table with removable top (front of the shop) – $500

* Antique rare book case with glass front – $1200

* Red leather chair – $100

* Framed photos of bookstores (Shakespeare & Co., Paris; Notre Dame

reflected in bookstore window, Paris; Newspaper stall, Paris; City

Lights Bookstore, San Francisco; Bistro, Paris; Book stall,

Florence) – $85 each

* Pine bookshelves – $80 each

* 2 Computer tables – $70 each

* Mustardy-colored (Nancy’s term) Oriental rug, 3.5’ x 10.5’ – $175

* Children’s oak library table – $75

* Miscellaneous office equipment, chairs, book-ends, etc.

By this e-mail you are getting early notice. We will be advertising the sale in the newspaper, on Craig’s List and KCUR, so come in early to get the best of Bloomsday.

And join us in welcoming Hudson and Jane, the fine men’s and women’s clothier from the Plaza. A great addition to the Crestwood Shops, they’ll be opening here shortly after we’re out.

We look forward to seeing you all!

Tom and Nancy

—

Bloomsday Books

313 E 55th St.

Kansas City MO 64113

(816) 523-6712