Daily Briefs: Sebelius Upstaged, Guitar Hero Debunked, Parks Board Revisited

By CHRIS PACKHAM

• People of a certain demographic say that the age of civility is over. Specifically, the demographic that enjoys A Prairie Home Companion, going down to the drug store for a chocolate phosphate and “liking Ike” — the elderly, is what I’m saying. Kathleen Sebelius demonstrated old-fashioned civility in last night’s Democratic response to the President’s State of the Union address by politely and graciously overlooking the fact that George W. Bush is just running down the clock. Totally checked out last summer. Sebelius said, “There is a chance, Mr. President, in the next 357 %{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c3d89121ca96b95fb1d” data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%days, to get real results and give the American people renewed optimism that their challenges are the top priority.” Adorable. And polite!

• Oh, yeah: Embarrassing douchebag upstages mom with prison rape-themed board game. I guess those Garrison Keillor fans down at the Don Bosco Center are right about all the civility.

• KU’s Costco bulk-quantity coach Mark Mangino was hospitalized yesterday for “tests.” The school’s associate athletic director, Jim Marchiony, told The AP that he did not think the situation was a medical emergency, though to my untrained nonmedical eye, Mark Mangino kind of is a medical emergency. And a really good coach, obvs., totally goes without saying. But if Mangino isn’t admitted to intensive care as a regular part of his annual physical checkup, his doctor is guilt of medical malpractice.

• Barack Obama is coming to Kansas City tonight after picking up Sebelius’ endorsement today.

• Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton sews up the coveted boring diabetic-blues-guitarist endorsement.

• You thought it was going to be the Kansas City Board of Public Utilities. Thanks to Frances Semler, the parks board is all of a sudden the new battleground for the immigration debate.

Now that the parks board lacks representation by white gun-carrying border-patrol interest groups, you might think that Kansas City civil rights leaders would turn their attention elsewhere, but just like the time you thought there was absolutely no way that nice Mr. Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati could possibly be molesting Arnold’s pal Dudley, it turns out you were totally wrong. Look, take the fight wherever you find it — back in the ’60s, they fought The Man in the street, because that’s where he was doing all his oppressing. I wasn’t aware that The Man was now crushing Kansas City parks under the heel of his Shiny Wing Tips of Injustice, but that’s why I read the newspaper.

• The Kansas City Star has discovered that Guitar Hero, a button-pressing game, isn’t a total-immersion flight simulator for budding guitarists. At first, I thought the FYI section was revisiting the disconnect between video games and reality that we dealt with during the whole Sonic the Hedgehog craze, when parents were worried that their kids might start rolling up into blue balls and zooming through roller-coaster loops for golden rings. As it turns out, FYI is helping spread the word that Guitar Hero and playing the guitar are two different things. Also: You might have heard recently that a giant monster destroyed Manhattan, which is a totally not-true thing made up by persons in Hollywood.

Someday, FYI section of The Kansas City Star, we will have a farm. And on that farm, there will be rabbits. Until then, this kid’s hands and eyes are still better coordinated than Wolfgang Van Halen’s: