Daily Briefs: Scientists: “OW! MY BALLS!”

March 3, 2009

Chris Packham,

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Tunguska Balls: While you were busy yesterday scanning the horizon for, uh, naked ladies carrying fruit baskets full of Climax brand elk jerky or whatever it is you’re waiting for when you scan the horizon — while you were doing that, an asteroid the size of a 10-story building went tear-assing past the Earth from the other direction. You see what happens when you’re not paying attention? It flew by at just twice the distance as the highest Earth-orbiting satellites. To put that into perspective, while that sounds like it’s really, really far away, when scientists heard about it, they shouted, “WHOA, MOTHERFUCK” and protectively shielded their groins. Why are so many astrophysicists scared of a large asteroid penetrating the Earth’s atmosphere and smashing into their dicks? They obviously know something we don’t.

To be fair, if those dick-shielding scientists had checked their voice mail over the weekend, they’d have realized that a bunch of their associates were well aware — for a number of years — that near-dick-punching Asteroid 2009 DD45 would pass closely by Earth before going harmlessly on its way, perhaps on a voyage lasting millions of years, possibly culminating in a return trajectory and a fiery entry into the Earth’s atmosphere before smashing into the dick of an advanced descendant of a present-day scientist (see Fig. A).

Anyway, while you’re peering into the distance and waiting for your Climax elk jerky to arrive, you also want to check in the other direction every now and then. THE DICK YOU SAVE MIGHT BE YOUR OWN.

Daily Briefs Awesome Market Outlook: I’m gonna level with you. Remember back in October of 2007? When the Dow actually hit 14,000 and your bejeweled 401K was worth its weight in diamond-studded bars of platinum? Well, you just hold that thought in your head, little kitten, ’cause as long as we have each other, we don’t need no money or a house or potable drinking water, and as long as we have Climax brand elk jerky, we don’t need no real food. While the Dow Jones Industrial Average is below 7,000 and the temperature is in the 20s, we can huddle together for warmth and play Monopoly on this homemade Monopoly board made from a jailhouse-style paste of mashed-up milk cartons and snot. You can be the shoe! It’s made out of a real shoe. I’ll be the empty bottle of Matrix brand conditioner for oily hair. Look! You won a beauty contest, here’s $50.

“As bad as things are, they can still get worse, and get a lot worse,” says somebody named Bill Strazzullo, chief market strategist for Bell Curve Trading. Baby, you and me, we don’t need no Bill Strazzullo, chief market strategist for Bell Curve Trading as long as we have Uncle Doughsack, chief AWESOME strategist for Prosperousness Cornucopia Abundance Lux Trading. He wears a little monocle and lives in a suitcase! Look, he can give you his market outlook while I drink this glass of water:

“THE MARKET HIT INFINITY PLUS ONE TODAY, YOU GUYS, BONERS AND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE!”