Daily Briefs: Paul McCartney has heard of this “Internet.”
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Being For The Benefit of Mr. McCartney: FYI BEATLES FANS, the music industry has been consistently releasing non-Beatles music for the last 40 years, and is probably going to continue doing so in the future! You might look into some. But I assume that there’s somebody out there, such as your Nana or smelly old Jimmy Carter, who still cares that they’re going to release the first decent digital remasters of all of the Beatles albums since the 1980s. FINALLY! “Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite” the way it was intended to be heard, just as crappy as the day the Beatles listened to the final mix, sheepishly looked at each other and heaved a tired, collective three-part-harmony fart. Since the digital mastering technology of the 80s was basically the equivalent of smashing mastodon skulls together until a shard broke off that could be used to poke holes in giant sloth hide, there’s probably a whole generation out there that hasn’t really experienced the full sonic breadth of the ghastly “Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite,” or really any of the overrated garbage from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Oh, and there’s still no word about whether those two remaining dumb old men will ever allow legal digital downloads of Beatles music, as if the whole entire world is poised and waiting for Her Majesty Queen McCartney to smash a bottle of champagne against the H.M.S. Revolver. Fine. Y’know? If you aren’t interested in selling your music in a format people actually want in exchange for actual money, I believe I’ve pointed out before that high-quality digital copies of the entire Beatles catalog are already available on the internet at the extremely competitive price-point of fucking nothing, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Then they’ll discontinue rotary dialing: AT&T would very much like permission to stop delivering the white pages phone book in Kansas City and St. Louis, please, since the internet sucked all of the value out of the paper phone books we all used to buy on the newsstand and read on the train. Now if they could stop dumping four Yellow Pages directories per year on my goddamn porch, my whole life would probably be ice cream cones and trade-show hostesses. That’s our Western version of “milk and honey,” a beverage of extremely questionable deliciousness apparently consumed in the Middle East. I like honey. I sort of like milk, kind of. But somehow, it never crosses my mind to combine the two. I guess that’s why God created artificial chocolate-flavored powder made out of corn and packaged with a bunny rabbit mascot who has impulse-control issues.
Anyway, ATTENTION LOCAL BUSINESSES: I do not read the stupid Yellow Pages, ever. Instead, I direct my Netscape Gold browser to the flash-based Website of your restaurant and wait for several long minutes until the opening animation ends, click on MENU, and admire the artistry with which your LOADING animation was designed. Extremely pretty! Then I dine at the restaurant of whichever of your nearest competitors has an HTML-based Website that doesn’t try to impress me with its David Lean production values. As a smooth segue to the new Daily Briefs mascot, the Buddha of Douchebags, I’ll point out that many sushi restaurants print their menus out in the preferred font of the Buddha of Douchebags, the irritating Papyrus font:
