Daily Briefs: Oh! Another primary! Plus: Cigarettes and Lip Gloss

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Very landslidey: Amidst the wall-to-wall coverage of Eliot Spitzer’s love/hate relationship with prostitutes, you may have missed Barack Obama’s victory in the Mississippi Democratic primary yesterday. On the Republican side, John McCain remains the GOP presidential candidate. Expect a Rovian twist when McCain turns his biggest weakness — his 18 decades of life — into an asset, using the slogan “Vote For Pop-pop,” and fishing in his pockets for quarters and hard candies to give to the people in the front rows of his rallies.

Top o’ the devil’s shillelagh to ye, O’Malley! As St. Patrick’s Day approaches on, oh, let’s say Saturday, Sunday and Monday, Kansas City Infozine would like you to be aware of a bulleted list of facts about driving under the influence of green beer. I have no idea how I’d work up the energy to write something like that. Fortunately, nobody’s ever asked me to! Except my eighth grade teacher. She made me write about drugs, a subject I could not actually speak about with any degree of authority.

People For the Ethical Treatment of Alveoli: Breathe Easy KC, an organization supporting the smoking ban on the April ballot, squares off against the Kansas City Business Rights Coalition, a group that supports, um, business rights. Taking a cue from Operation Rescue, I firmly believe that fetuses should be afforded the same rights as bars and restaurants, so I’m moving forward with my petition drive to permit smoking in hospital neonatal units. It’s rewarding work, but right now I need to change the subject and explain why I’ve been Photoshopping lip gloss on a photo of Larry Moore for the last few minutes:

It was for this joke: KMBC Channel 9 reports on Fuze lip gloss, which purports to help suppress appetite for weight reduction. Does it work? We’ll check back with Larry Moore at the weigh-in two weeks from now.

And Mark Ernst shall be his queen: Gary Forsee, the former CEO of universally beloved Sprint Nextel, home of excellent customer service and seamless corporate synergy, took over as the new UMKC President yesterday. The table: What ideas does he bring to it? Binding two-year contracts for new students? With a $50 renewal fee? And obscene rates for campus internet access? I know there are local film critics who measure their critical approval with popcorn bags instead of stars or whore diamonds, but I’ve always used the Bristol Stool Scale as a measure of quality. Sprint is definitely Type 6, but now that they’ve unloaded Forsee, they’re hoping to be Type 5 by the end of Q4 2008.

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