Daily Briefs: Now, what’s all this “economy” business I’m hearing?

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MY OTHER CAR IS A MANDATORY CONVERTIBLE PREFERRED SHARE: Welp, ahead of his big economic prime-time special tonight, a majority of people surveyed say they’re feeling optimistic about President Barack Obama’s approach to the econocalyptic rapture in which all the money has been raptured up into credit default swap heaven, and leaving all the collateralized debt vehicles “unmanned.” Because I studied Bumper Sticker Polemics in college, you guys, I am a genius at Bumper Sticker Polemics. Additionally, a majority of people surveyed in both parties credit Obama with striving for bipartisan approaches to the economy, faulting Republicans for their ASS, GRASS OR GAS response to the stimulus plan for the short-sighted political reason that NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE. I may not know how sequestering toxic bank assets works, but I do know TRUCK DRIVERS BACK UP, BUT THEY WON’T BACK DOWN, DON’T BLAME ME – I VOTED FOR THE OTHER GUY, and HANDS UP MOTHERSTICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP.

Hey. Do you remember… “jobs?” Naturally, The Wall Street Journal, the daily news journal about $$$ for olds, is plugged into economic developments for senior citizens. It’s practically the Modern Maturity of financial periodicals. Consider all the ad inserts for Jitterbug phones and diabetic supplies delivered right to your door that come spilling out of the paper when you unfold it, or the paper’s oft-noted fondness for old-timey stipple-portraits and the corresponding need to train stipple-portrait artists how to render throat wattles and liver spots with a series of tiny dots. And this story about how elderly people are faring in the worst economy since the great depression will make you regret all those funny, funny jokes you make about Jitterbug phones and diabetic supplies delivered right to your door, mister man, because just consider being an 80-year-old worker whose job has been eliminated, and having to compete for shitty minimum-wage jobs with high school kids. It’s extremely depressing, and considering my almost pathological malleability and suggestibility, I feel like running down to the day-labor office and hiring the first senior citizen I can find wearing steel-toed boots.

DO NOT HUG THIS MAN: Via Everything is Terrible: