Daily Briefs: No-coherent-theme Tuesday

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Sit, Aibo: If there’s any residual doubt in your mind that you, like everyone else, are nothing but a meat robot responding to subconscious scripts and preprogrammed biological directives, then throw this on the teetering pile of evidence that scientists call Mount Pavlov: Loud music in bars causes people to drink more than they would have in the first place. This study was conducted in London, where hoodie-wearing chavs drink Guinness in pubs while planning to steal Cousin Avi’s diamond, but it could probably be applied to you, your parents, your friends and everyone you’ve ever met in the long, basically unbroken sequence of conditioned responses you call your “life.” I realize it’s comforting to think of yourself as a special snowflake, a unique entity with operative free will. Sorry for the bad news. It basically all comes down to fingerprints, at this point. On the bright side, I’ve now relinquished all responsibility for my actions, since the impulses that drive even seemingly deliberate behaviors are hard-wired in my genes and amygdala. Look out, ladies!

After the jump, a meditative contemplation of Iowa Republicans, women’s underwear, and some facts about small businesses in Kansas City that will chill you to the bone. Click here, or push the button we’ve installed on the nose of Nobel Prize-winning roboticist and dog owner Ivan Pavlov: