Daily Briefs: Math, Lies and Sabotage

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Imagine there’s no mathematics: You guys, it’s actually not statistically possible for Hillary Clinton to win enough delegates for the nomination. But none of the news orgs will say so! Sure, I’m saying so, and I work for a media outlet, but yesterday I said syphilis was known as a “Pennsylvania head cold,” so it’s not like anybody takes me, or my math, seriously.

Hillary Clinton is demanding a lot of suspension of disbelief. It’s like she’s become a Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I’m supposed to pretend that her nomination and subsequent candidacy won’t bring out all the Republican voters who would otherwise have stayed home; I’m supposed to pretend that she actually can win enough delegates for the nomination; she wants me to pretend that she’s the only one who can answer the 3 a.m. hamburger phone when the world’s eggo is preggo. She also wants me to pretend that she never voted for the Iraq war, but I totally do not go to Michael Bay movies because they are made out of shit and lies.

Business Proposal: Remember when the Sandstone Amphitheater was called the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater? Well, forget everything you ever knew about the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, because now it’s called the Capitol Federal Park at Sandstone. Oh, sorry — I meant to say the

WHOOOO! Feel the intensity! Brought to you by Capitol Federal Savings Bank, True Blue for over 110 years. Mushroom cloud courtesy Condoleeza Rice. I’m now thinking of selling off the corporate naming rights for Daily Briefs. In keeping with my commitment to Kansas City, I’m looking to partner with a local business. The Erotic City/King of Kash Daily Briefs sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Hint hint.

It’s also how Katie Horner reports about thunderstorms: Charles Dale Osborn is accused of stealing thousands of pounds of copper from the Lake City Army Ammunition plant in Independence and selling it — probably, I’m guessing, to buy cartons of GPC cigarettes, cases of Stroh’s and new tires for his house. Alternatively, according to news-squirting aperture KCTV Channel 5:

Filtered through the developmentally disabled lens of local broadcast news writing, Osborn is allegedly Carlos the Jackal, bent on the violent execution of his political ends. Here’s KCTV’s lede: “A Missouri man accused of trying to sabotage efforts in the Iraq war made his first court appearance Wednesday.” It’s like they hear the word “sabotage” in a federal indictment, and turn into fucking Radio Free Baghdad.

Oh, by the way: Notorious alleged international saboteur and leftist revolutionary Charles Dale Osborn is currently free on bond. You can probably find him hanging around down at the check-cashing place in Odessa.

Categories: News