Daily Briefs: Life Gives Lemons to Yael T. Abouhalkah
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
Yes3: In yesterday’s editorial, The Kansas City Call endorsed all three controversial initiatives on the ballot, plus school board candidate Airick Leonard West. Therefore, the poll results officially make the Call the area’s most influential newspaper. Sorry, Tonganoxie Mirror! When I saw the election results this morning, I said, “Whaaaaaa?” And then I did an Olympic-class triple double-take, like this fat man I once saw dressed up with a beanie, short-pants and a giant lollipop on Univision, a nonlexical outburst intended to communicate my comical surprise at the failure of superteam Yael T. Abouhalkah and Clay Chastain to smother the ATA sales tax.
Speaking of which: Despite explicitly calling for voters to reject the 3/8-cent sales tax for the ATA, Abouhalkah is using its passage like a Richard Chai for Target designer handbag to girly-hit Mark Funkhouser opponents ‘cross they fool heads. But he can’t quite make the outright claim that that the Mayor leads public opinion; he’s more like “leading a City Hall that continues to win with the public at the polls.”
By that waterboarded logic, Funkhouser’s failure to get himself selected as a Democratic superdelegate constitutes a rejection of the status-quo politics of the major parties. I am officially releasing that example of circumlocutory Moebius strip Krispy Kreme donut reasoning under an attribution-noncommercial-sharealike Creative Commons license, if Yael would like to run it under his byline.
Varmints! What? Yes. Varmints. Cattle rustling is still a problem in Missouri, so area cattle owners are advised to check the brands on their cows. Wait, what? Are there “varmints” involved? String ’em up! Isn’t that why we elected John P. McDaniel as Jackson County Sheriff? C’mon, McDaniel, quit beatin’ the devil around the stump and catch them outlaws! If I was a cattle rustler, I’d sell all my stolen cows for Euros, because right now the cow-Americo exchange rates are totally unfavorable.
Coffee gives you serenity? Yeah, sure, Jane Curtin didn’t have much going on in 1983, despite the roughly 18 makeup people surrounding her here, but c’mon, Kurt Vonnegut! Nobody ever doubted that you were a “coffee achiever,” but why you shillin’ for Juan Valdez? The National Breakfast Cereal Council and Thomas Pynchon, author of Gravity’s Rainbow, remind you to eat cereal three times daily! Also, do we still have coffee achievers? It’s hard to imagine a time when the Coffee Council had to produce ads reminding you to drink coffee three times daily, but it happened, and here is the video evidence:
