Daily Briefs: KC Altruists. PLUS: Don’t worry your pretty head about the food supply.

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Morning Panic: Cattle-killing foot and mouth disease, prototypic member of the Aphthovirus genus in the sexy Picornaviridae family, is so contagious that the only U.S. research facility that studies it is situated on an island 100 miles northeast of New York City in Long Island Sound. Workers who handle the virus aren’t permitted to own animals because the virus can travel out of the lab on a worker’s breath or clothing. A British outbreak in 2001 resulted in the widespread slaughter of animal herds and the cancellation of large public events such as elections.

ANYWAY! the Bush administration — as seen in the attacks of 9/11, the five-year Iraq war, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the (SPOILER!) upcoming global depression — would now like to situate the Foot and Mouth Disease Center on the U.S. mainland, as close as possible to herds of cattle. Possibly in Manhattan, Kansas! To promote the new initiative, they’ve hired baby photographer and batshit insane person Anne Geddes to photograph some cute babies dressed up like the Aphtae epizooticae virus:

Aren’t they adorable? How could you possibly quarantine such a darling epizootic pathogen?

I’d just like to thank YOUR MOM: I’ve been shut out of the Kindest Kansas Citian Awards. Again. Despite my pilot program teaching middle-school kids about alcohol vaporizers. I’m not looking for recognition; the work speaks for itself, and I’d even do it without the grant money from the fine people at Jack Daniel’s. I’m just saying, name me one single person who ever did anything important after winning the Kindest Kansas Citian Award. It’s totally the “Best New Artist” Grammy of altruism recognition. And the winners are the humanitarian equivalents of Christopher Cross and Bruce Hornsby. You can keep your stupid prize, Synergy Services. I’ll be out in the real world, doing all of my good works.

Reporters Report About Issue That Only Affects Reporters: The state of Missouri is dramatically increasing the cost of obtaining Missouri driving records. An attorney for the Missouri Press Association says it’s a possible violation of the Sunshine Law. Now you’ve had a small glimpse into the lives of reporters! Next: Issues affecting HVAC technicians.

Freelance A.G.: After his untruthful testimony to Congress in the last months of his tenure, his participation in the dismissal of federal prosecutors across the country, his concealment of illegal federal wiretapping of U.S. citizens, the minimizing of the Geneva Conventions prior to the detentions at Guantanamo Bay, and in the wake of his untimely resignation and an investigation by the Office of the General Inspector, apparently former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding work. HAHA. I’m imagining his kids telling friends at school that their dad “works out of the house.” Kids can be so cruel.