Daily Briefs in Brief: Late Edition: My gums will leave the judges gasping.
From the Comments:
gus says: hey, just curious and not joking, why does everyone hate Cory doctorow so much?
Chris Packham says: Gus — I DON’T KNOW. Seriously: I have no idea whatsoever. I’m completely politically aligned with him. His short stories are great. I agree with 99 percent of everything he writes about, and the other one percent constitutes easily disregarded bullshit about Disneyland. And yet there’s just something about him that makes me transform into smelly old Charles Krauthammer.
God’s precious miracle babies: I don’t have any children — that I know about!!!! — but like every other childless non-parent, I really love that joke, and also the joke where I ask you whether or not you have your tickets yet, and then you say “What tickets?” and I say, “TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!” while doing this:
They’re dual-purpose quips, in that they’re hilariously funny, while implying, respectively, that I have a lot of sex, and that I am very muscley.
I realize that parenting is a big responsibility. For instance, you are 100 percent responsible for getting that kid to sleep, and the sooner the better.
%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4989121ca96b961917″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%A Missouri woman was recently arrested by Louisville, Kentucky police at the Kentucky State Fair when a police officer observed her pouring wine into her baby’s bottle. Bowen told the officers that wine helps her baby sleep, and I’m like, right? It damn sure helps me sleep, and I’m way bigger than a baby. For a baby, it’s the equivalent of getting punched by beefy Claude Akins, star of TV’s The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. Coincidentally, Bowen was feeding her baby a bottle of 1999 Chateau d’Claude Akins Romorantin, from the Cour Cheverny region of France, where Claude Akins is very popular. If the homozygous, facially asymmetrical back-woods denizens of deepest Kentucky know of a better way of knocking out a baby, other than the frightful and totally illegal technique of actually knocking out a baby, I’d like to hear it. No, I really would like to hear it, because someday a lady might let me put a baby in her tummy, and I’d like to avoid reading any books about children if at all possible.
After the jump, two or three hundred words right off the top of my head, since I spent the entire morning at the sports dentist. They’re like regular dentists, except that in addition to applying the usual fillings and crowns, they inject your gums full of deca-durabolin and synthetic human growth hormone, and then give you a carrot as a treat when they’re done, all of which is really important for the maxillo-facial poses at the Greater Kansas City Competitive Bodybuilding tournament this weekend — this year I’m bringing home that trophy. Click here, or, because we’re all about selection and also value, click on the image of your choice — the Chateua d’Claude Akins Cour Cheverny label I peeled off of a bottle after dinner last night, or the Kentucky State Seal:
