Daily Briefs in Brief: God Hates Prams

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All the Platinum Concubines That’s Fit to Spank: OHNO, the Ochs-Sulzberger family trust, which owns 19 percent of the common shares in the New York Times Co., voted to suspend its quarterly dividend due to the increasingly grim environment for the kinds of media that people actually have to pay for using “cash-money,” as we corn-shucking Midwest crackers like to say around our enormous, juicy wads of loose-leaf tobacco.

The Sulzberger kids should rip a page out of the book of financial writer and consumer advocate Dave Ramsey and ask themselves whether they really need to upgrade from solid-gold to platinum concubines. Isn’t it time to set aside childish things and sleep with supple, fleshy 22-year-olds like a functioning adult? Doesn’t a solid-gold lover kind of feel like sleeping with C-3P0? Seriously, there’s nothing more childish than sleeping with C-3P0. GROW UP, SULZBERGERS. For various reasons, I voted to suspend the quarterly dividend on my confidence in the health of my chosen industry, you guys, it’s kind of like being a blacksmith these days — WHERE ARE ALL THE HORSES? LOOK AT MY STATE-OF-THE-ART ANVIL! WE ARE OPEN FOR BUSINESS! I knew I should have been a wheelwright.

GOD HATES BUBBLE AND SQUEAK: The most hilarious part about Fred Phelps and his ridiculous douchenozzle-y family of cretins being banned from the United Kingdom is that over there, they think “GOD HATES FAGS” means “GOD HATES ELEVATORS.” Isn’t that hilarious? It’s like we’re two countries separated by a common language! In England, they call homosexuals “lorries,” and their President is called “Her Majesty.” A “packet of crisps” is a walk-up apartment. IT’S SO WEIRD. I could seriously do this for 800 or 900 more words.