Daily Briefs: Gender Indentity; No Country For Old Broadcasters

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Y’know, this has to be the toughest part of being a prosecutor. “Take somebody from the court, the prosecuting attorney, raise the dress and take a look. That’s all they got to do,” says Mishell Blomenkamp, who lives as a woman but never had sex-reassignment surgery. Blomenkamp is being prosecuted for perjury by the state of Missouri for applying for a marriage certificate as a man. It’s all really complicated! I’m trying to imagine one of the KMBC Channel 9 producers slowly explaining it to Larry Moore.

“Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. But I’ma cut you after lights-out!” Everyone: Look at the person to your left. Then look at the 99 people standing to their left. One of those people is going to jail. For the first time in American history, one out of every hundred people lives in prison. What with the privatization of the prison industry, the lobbying power of the prison guards union, the widespread popularity of “three strikes” legislation, and mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines, I guarantee you’re pretty much going to jail sooner or later. I promise to sneak in a carton of Camel Snus for you, because they’re totally like money in the slammer.

Don’t cry for the hippo. Max and Tanna are claiming their firing from the former 99.7 KY is a case of age discrimination, right after traffic on the nines and three in a row from Joe Walsh. HAHAHAHA! You see what I did there? I totally implied they were old people who listen to Joe Walsh records.

“There’s $50,000 hidden in the … erggggh!” I like to pretend that at the end of this Mike Hendricks blog, where the copy trails off at the end into incoherent keyboard mashing, something dramatic happened — just like in a gothic horror story! Nothing like that ever happens in real life. It was probably just searing abdominal cramps. Here’s a screen grab, in case somebody at kansascity.geocities.com logs in and fixes it:

He’s writing about the Bodies Revealed exhibit at Union Station, opening this weekend. As regards the controversy, the AP Style Guide is unhelpful about the proper spelling of the loud raspberry fart noise that accompanies the eye-rolling jack-off gesture I reflexively make whenever I hear about it. Wake me up when you want to talk about the actually still-alive 7-year-old Vietnamese orphan who sewed the matching bra and panties your dad bought at Target to actualize his transgender inner-life. So that’s where I stand on that whole thing. It makes me want to insult your dad.

Just smile and nod. Space stations: Do you have to live there forever? Or can you just stay a few days and come back? I’m hungry and fat — can pills make me feel not-so-hungry? That guy in China needs to talk to me! This video has a punchline that just might make you think. H/T to my pal Nadia.