Daily Briefs: Flaming barns, patriotism and your new Hitler

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Someday, my name will be prefaced with the phrase “wealthy financier,” and then you’ll all be fuckin’ sorry. Specifically, when wealthy financier Chris Packham launches a billion-dollar-losing media empire in Kansas City with heavy editorial application of multi-morpheme sobriquets based on the word douche. %{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4c89121ca96b962224″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}% Attention Fox 4: WE WILL BURY YOU. It’s always embarrassing when your city produces so little telegenic news that you’re forced to cover a MASSIVE BARN FIRE! I’ve been hearing scattered references to Kansas City as New York’s “6th borough” or “7th borough” or something, but this shit is just going to reinforce the pre-existing stereotype of Kansas City Klansmen jumping their General Lees over flaming pits of biology textbooks. Our solemn vow to you, the sophisticated Kansas Citian, is that The Pitch will never cover barn fires, traffic jams caused by loose cattle, or first-cousin wedding announcements. On the other hand, by linking to barn-fire coverage, we’re now driving traffic, including any monocle-wearing cosmopolitans from Eastern states, directly at the apparent hayseed provincialism of the Fox 4 worldview. After the jump, some reassuring evidence of Kansas City’s post-secondary education. Click here, or on this picture of Pretty Pony Phil Witt receiving his associate’s degree in handsome HVAC:

Categories: News