Daily Briefs: Exploding Turkey Fryers; Pray for Missouri’s Constitution; Our Condolences on the Occasion of Your Staph Infection

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

• Hillary Clinton, after hammering Barack Obama for supposed “plagiarism,” ended last night’s debate with the line “You know, the hits I’ve taken in life are nothing compared to what goes on every single day in the lives of people across our country.” Which, if you’re a fan of phrases borrowed from other peoples’ speeches, you’re going to love.

• I was praying for this constitutional amendment! The irony is that I stood up and prayed for it in the middle of a public school. And in a horrifying twist for both the Christians and the Scientologists, I was praying to Lord Xenu, evil dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy,” who brought billions of his people to earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around Earth’s volcanoes and killed them with hydrogen bombs. SPOILER! This is actually the M. Night Shyamalan surprise twist ending of Operating Thetan Level III. I totally just saved you $100,000.

• Jesus, give a disease a Weekly World News name like “flesh-eating bacteria,” and people completely freak out. If they’d created a more exciting name for AIDS 25 years ago, like “Necrotizing Vampire Evil Clown Virus,” maybe the world would be a different place. Anyway, Merck is now testing a new staph vaccine in the Kansas City area that provides resistance to superstaph. IN YOUR FACE, GlaxoSmithKline!

• Since turkey fryers are basically culinary variants of improvised explosive devices, seeing the words “turkey fryer” and “OP day care center” in the same headline is the dee-licious journalistic equivalent of deep-fried Twinkies.

• The Hall Foundation made out a check for $43 million to Children’s Mercy Hospital, and tucked it inside a lovable Ziggy card.

• Can you watch something so cute that it literally kills you dead? I’ve got the strength of a horse, but this sent me lurching around clutching my heart like Fred Sanford having a “big one.” Three years ago, this kid’s parents never dreamed of the entertainment cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine that would be detonated inside their house.