Daily Briefs: Elf Accountants. Also: Some Discussion of Missouri Prisons.

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Wal-Mart has pulled its annual convention of flabby, middle-management retail drones out of Kansas City because we don’t have a hotel that can accommodate 8,000 people in the continental breakfast/complimentary body-wash manner to which they’ve become accustomed. Apparently, this represents a loss of 8 million imaginary Americos to Kansas City, some of which local businesses had already factored into their budgets.

For dismayed business owners rebalancing their books, here’s a hardcore accounting tip straight outta the Compton of auditing methodology: Those dollars are just as imaginary now as they were last week. As long as your budget includes anticipatory fantasy dollars, I say why not imagine even more pretend money? If anything, a pleasant reverie involving fat stacks of spendjamins, flashy private jets and lowriders with expensive height-adjustable hydraulic suspension systems will stave off depresson, or — best-case scenario — make them magically appear, à la The Secret. Other than that, I’ve got nothing. The wondrous Middle Earth alternate universe of your small business’ finances is foreign to me, like Dungeons & Dragons.

After the jump, some stuff about Missouri prisons, and some area teens learning important lessons about recreational drinking. Click here, or on this Ronnie James Dio album cover that appeared when I typed “elf accountant” into Google Images: