Daily Briefs: Drinkin’, fartin’ and goin’ out of business

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The only part where I disagree with Ms. Anne Brockhoff at The Kansas City Star re: alcohol consumption is the part where she says, “Everything in moderation,” right there in the headline. Because don’t you realize we’re all going to die, you guys? And I never heard anyone on their death bed say, “I wish I would have drunk more Ensure adult formula instead of all that booze.” As I was buying some malt liquor for some really mature eighth graders who were washing my car, I realized it’s our draconian liquor regulations that are truly responsible for the unhealthy American attitudes about drinking. Watching their escalating binge was like looking at a miniature re-enactment of a scene from my own grown-up life, and by the time they started throwing up all over the parking lot behind the Westport Sun Fresh, I realized that kids these days are getting hooked on malt liquor and jenkem at younger and younger ages. Wake up, sheeple! Our puritanical blue laws are destroying a whole generation! After the jump, some geriatric sex tips. Click here to ride upon a magnificent centaur: