Daily Briefs: Canadians, Cosby, Commodities
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
Bite Me, Charlie Gibson: Democratic presidential candidates Hillar E. Clinton and Barack O. Bama met last night for the infinity +1 debate of the campaign season, which I am predicting changed nobody’s minds either way about the candidates but probably made a lot of people hate debate moderators like Minutemen hate Mexicans. Because seriously, were the moderators aware that the opponents onstage were Democrats? And if so, why did every policy question presuppose the correctness of Republican positions? LADIES, AM I RIGHT? Also, Clinton apparently came out strongly in favor of Barack Obama for president or something.
Sweet, Sweet Tax Incentives: The Missouri Senate isn’t saying that they don’t want Canadian aeroplane manufacturer Bombardier to move to Kansas City. But they are saying they won’t set aside $120 million Americos as a down payment on the proposed $880 million tax incentive package. HEY! That reminds me — remember that 1980s idea about dismantling the American industrial base and transforming the United States into a service economy? That idea is awesome, and we should cling to the way a baby monkey clings to its wire mother in a disturbing, yet funny, behavioral experiment.
Like chocolate cake and O.J.: If you’re like me, you were looking forward to Bill Cosby’s upcoming hip-hop CD Cosby Narratives Vol. 1: State of Emergency the way a little kid with pica looks forward to a mouthful of topsoil — a lot! In a crushing blow to the hopes and dreams of snotty assholes everywhere, it turns out that the crotchety old alleged roofie dispenser won’t actually be rapping on the album; he apparently just grumbles about “flarn flarn filth” over the music and then steps aside for guest rappers. That’s about 60 percent less interesting than the best-case scenario, which was Bill Cosby belting out off-rhythm rhymes about the cursing and the misogyny and the kids with the hats and the drugs and the pants around their knees. I’ll still listen to it, but Cosby’s stern, half-crazy injunctions about the “N”-word and keeping your “Pudding Pop” in your pants are measurably less interesting if they don’t rhyme.
Stumper: This really is a fucking good question.
First, they came for the switchgrass, and I said nothing: Catholic Relief Services and other charities can’t help noticing the scarcity and expense of basic food commodities. Remember when your grandfather gave you a Werther’s Original candy and then told you about the olden days when he was pinned down by sniper fire in Guadalcanal, and meanwhile your Grandma was riveting hull plates on ships and growing a Victory garden in the backyard and having sex with all the 4-F’s who dodged service by pretending they were blind? Well, you totally need to plant a Victory garden immediately, because all the corn we use to make Li’l Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls is reporting for duty at Citgo.
