Daily Briefs: Big phat e-sack of cyber-mail iComments

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“Blathering fucking mess:” I’ve always looked at Daily Briefs as a kind of “give-and-take” with readers, like an informal rap session with a hip Christian youth minister, whereby I post whatever is the snottiest 500 to 700 words I’m capable of writing first thing in the morning, and commenters respond by calling me a douchebag. It’s a two-way street, and I try to meet you guys halfway, you guys. Unfortunately, like the restaurant and unlicensed full-release massage industries, there’s been a real downturn in the overheated, profane trash-talk industry. So it was a real surprise when Anonymous stepped up to the plate with what is now my new favorite mean comment:

Anonymous says:

What is this blathering fucking mess of words? English motherfucker, do you speak it? Can I get a translator from wannabe hipster to English?

Posted On: Friday, Mar. 27 2009 @ 11:42PM

Wow. Thanks, Anonymous! Instead of responding with insults, which is a reflex I’ve been encouraged to suppress, I printed your comment above in the hateful Comic Sans font. Which means I win!

To be fair, your comment did lead to a lengthy Maoist self-criticism session. The fact that it appeared on what is easily the most tired and innocuous thing I’ve posted in months made me feel like maybe I didn’t really earn it. On re-reading my original post, I found a lot of plain ol’ simple subject-predicate declarative sentences, rather than the confusing word salad your comment suggests. If there were a 4-H “competitive overreaction” event, you’d win the blue ribbon and then get sold at auction at a hefty price! And the kid who spent months raising and grooming you would have some excellent life-experience for her ag-school application. With regard to your suggestion that I’m a “wannabe hipster,” I thought that the entry itself was more or less devoid of keffiyah-wearing ironic dancing or alt-bro Cobrasnakery. But all I can say is that this 57-year-old man with bad knees, a distended beer gut and a prostate the size of an Entenmann’s chocolate donut is flattered by that whole suggestion. Yes, young man, I’ll happily show you my I.D., hahaha, wait ’til I get home and tell the wife!

Skinemaximum Overdrive: In response to a post about the Washington press corps, “H.O.T.S. fan” had this to say:

H.O.T.S fan says:

I am proud to say that I watched H.O.T.S and any girl with that hairstyle (who also loves long walks on the beach) is welcome to email me for friendship and more.

Posted On: Wednesday, Mar. 25 2009 @ 11:46AM

Well played, H.O.T.S. fan, I, too, am a huge fan of naked ladies. But the phrase “long walks on the beach” is no longer acceptable comedic shorthand for romantic interest. Whenever I see a super-hot girl on the street or waiting in the lobby of the obstetrician’s office or wherever, I usually nudge whichever of my dude friends I’m hangin’ with and say, “I’d like to be responsive to her emotional needs!!!!” Trust me, the way I say it, you can hear those exclamation points. Oh, also, H.O.T.S. fan, you might be interested in an upcoming entry in which I analyze the Obama admistration’s response to the crisis in the automotive industry via comparisons to the edu-taining 1979 Fairy Tales, a long-time Cinemax favorite adapting beloved Mother Goose nursery rhymes in the idiom of late-night soft-core cable programming, and which starred Angela Aames as Little Bo Peep.