Daily Briefs: Bear Stearns Absorbed; Luck o’ The Irish Bars; More Whores!
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
Now, I’m no economist. But from what I can understand, JPMorgan Chase bought gi-mongous mortgage underwriter Bear Stearns for, like, two dollars, causing America’s gross national product to melt down and sink through the earth’s core in an apocalyptic Jane Fonda-starring China Syndrome effect. Also: It’s like dominoes. Now all the other global economic dominoes are falling down.
Happy Irish Day. A coworker told me, “This is the one day I completely abstain from drinking.” To quote Irish folk hero Cúchulainn, a warrior who could melt ice and snow with the heat of his body for yards around and whose headgear was adorned with a hundred different jewels, “Fuckin’-A.” Drinking just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day is just as lame as smoking pot because it’s 4/20.
But: If you see a gigantic St. Patrick’s Day parade float shaped like Mayor Mark Funkhouser today, it’s probably not made out of paper mâché. On the boring Funk’s Front Porch blog, Gloria Squitiro writes:
On a More Personal Note: Funk will be in the City’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Monday at 11 a.m. He welcomes all campaign supporters and volunteers to join him in walking the route.
Also: It’s important around Fat Tuesday not to throw beads if you see a Mardi Gras reveler in a giant paper mâché Mark Funkhouser head walking around City Hall. I wish I’d been born with my own giant Mardi Gras head of myself, because then every day would be like CARNIVALE. WHOOOOOOOO PARTAAAY!
Hire an escort and earn points on your Discover card! I’m officially tired of hearing about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and his best-in-show pet boner. Spitzer should now “diminish and go into the West” like a bald, tumescent Galadriel. But: Just like Washington D.C., did you know Kansas City also has high-dollar escort services? Kevin Murphy at Prime Buzz called some on the phone. Because, uh… we’re just like important, high-dollar eastern states? And it could happen here? Actually, the piece turns out to be a handy guide for the smart shopper. Plus — because of where the truth must be, which is somewhere in the middle — Murphy calls up some vice cops for balance.
A Prime Buzz commenter named OwenThursday wrote,
At first, I thought he was talking about politicians, but when he mentioned “discreet”, “prompt”, “classy”, “upscale” and “courteous” I knew he was talking about someone else.
HAHAHA POLITICIANS = PROSTITUTES. And how about those fat-cat lawyers? Do they ever stop lying? OwenThursday, you are the Jay Leno of the Paris of the Midwest.
Okay, okay, Jesus, I get it already: It’s no longer “The Power and Light District.” The Kansas City Star, in accordance with the ongoing corporate mandate of the Cordish Company, is referring to the Power and Light District as “the Kansas City Live area,” and fucking beating me over the head with it. It inexplicably appears right here in the lede for a story about agriculture prices.
I think I heard of some hippies somewhere who had a baby and named it “Andromeda Revelation” or some crap, and everyone had to go along with it. But corporations shouldn’t have the same wiggle-room w/r/t completely fruity names when the taxpayers are footing the bill. HAHA, when I use words like “should” and “shouldn’t,” and talk about “how the world should be” I totally sound like a Free-Mumia-T-shirt-wearing hippie myself.
