Daily Briefs: Barack Obama’s Amazing Discoveries

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Asshole consumers are dragging the economy down by prioritizing their “food” and “medicine” purchases over small luxuries like blood diamonds, stairlifts for gliding easily between the floors of their houses or ride-able miniature Silver Spoons railroads for luring young children to their back yards, the bottom has totally fallen right out of the market for those, you guys. Oh, and here’s a replica of King Tut’s throne, which you can purchase for $895, or — if you order two — $875:

The kinda’ mainstream New York Times says, “Consumers are clearly in retreat, and the economy is suffering. The year-over-year increase in real G.D.P. is 0.8 percent, the lowest for any four-quarter period since 2001.” GAZE UPON KING TUT’S MAGNIFICENT THRONE, consumers, and consider that credit is getting cheap again. To quote a wise, twisted, evil man, “The American way of life is non-negotiable.” But zero percent financing is available through MAY, 2009 if you act quickly. After the jump, naked photographs of Kansas City Star columnist Mike Hendricks. Click here or, because I absolutely can’t think of anything else, click on Zardoz: