Daily Briefs: And so it came to pass that a twelve-inch man jumped out and started playing the piano
%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4889121ca96b961548″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%
I miss the old, stupider Funkhouser: So, the petition effort to recall Kansas City Big & Tall Mayor Mark Funkhouser came up short by something like 5,000 signatures. That’s pretty good! On the other hand, now that there’s a serious recall effort underway, Funkhouser’s political profile, largely defined by doing or saying dumb things in public, has been a lot lower lately. DISAPPOINTINGLY LOW. Some time in the next two weeks, I seriously need to see the Mayor and his strap-on spouse module on national television saying gross things about how much they love cuddling or something, or I swear to god I’m signing that petition.
Obviously, I am 100 percent against any recall effort as long as Funkhouser’s political instincts are being allowed the full stinky flower of their stupid expression, preferably in the form of saying or doing ridiculous crap on TV. In fact, now that I think about it, we need to be seeing a whole lot less of the mayor and a whole lot more of Gloria, because, as somebody might say to a Roman gladiator hosting a 30-minute advertising spot about buying real estate for no money down, no, Maximus, as a matter of fact we are NOT infotained. In fact, lately? Kinda’ bored. The most frustrating part is that you just know that Strong Political Spouse Gloria Squitiro is saying all kinds of idiotic shit in private meetings that now gets vetoed by professional message consultants.
In closing, here is a completely true anecdote that happened Monday at my night job at the paper sack factory: A guy I barely know walked up to me while I was mopping the break room and said, “So, did you hear the BIG NEWS?” I said “Uh, no,” and he continued, “Some twink ran up onstage during a Britney Spears concert and got within ten feet of her!” FIRST OF ALL, this marks the one and only time I’ve ever actually heard the word “twink” used in a sentence. Secondly, the way he asked me the question implied that I’d immediately know exactly what he was talking about. So he had already sized me up as a guy who follows Britney Spears news and wouldn’t object to the word “twink” in casual conversation. And finally, I think it’s clear to everyone that Gloria would have known immediately what “big news” he was talking about right away, and would probably have had her answer ready, complete with the gross word “twink,” or a reasonable facsimile.
Dear Penthouse, I never thought these Gospels were true until it happened to me: Christian parents have always had a hard time keeping the curious, insatiable eyeballs of their children out of the Precious Moments Bible’s filthy Ezekiel chapter 23, which Biblical scholars have long regarded as the “Cinemax After Dark” of the Precious Moments Bible. I’m quoting it here not as a disgusting prurient display, but as a scholarly exploration of God’s adorable, pastel-colored and large-eyed Word:
19Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
For some context, the story is about two prostitutes named Oholah and Oholibah, whose names turn out to be Hebrew language puns about vaginas and boners, and who represent the kingdoms of Israel and Judah, respectively. The book’s author (God) was really annoyed at the two kingdoms for establishing diplomatic relationships with gentile countries, and was really getting some political beefs off His chest in the form of some filthy political allegory that included nasty anogenital punsmithery. All of which begs the question, does God kiss God’s mom (Mary) with that mouth? Anyway, your assignment over the weekend is to walk in the footsteps of our Lord and compose the filthiest gutter allegory you can think of about the Missouri legislature rejecting expanded health-care coverage for poor people. Tip for aspiring King James authors: Begin every sentence with “And so it came to pass…”
