Daily Briefs: AN INTERNATIONAL THING HAPPENED IN MISSOURI!

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Canadian passport: A depressed dude hopped a fence at a Canadian airfield, Grand Theft Autojacked a Cessna 172 Skyhawk and flew it all the way to Missouri, America, causing the kind of international incident in which fighter jets become involved. He was feeling sad and wanted to be shot down. Suicide by F-16, you guys. Instead, he landed on a road in Ellsinore, Missouri and hung around at a convenience store until the police showed up. If Dick Cheney were still president, those F-16s would have blown him out of the sky over Michigan, followed by a quick in-flight refuelling before blasting over Arlington National Cemetery in the constant “missing man” formation they’ve been executing around the clock since 2003. A FREAKY THING HAPPENED IN YOUR BACKYARD, you guys, I honestly can’t think of another goddamn thing to say about it. Instead, I’ll change the subject to a new Daily Briefs feature: The Buddha of Douchebags. This is a feature in which the eternal douchey mysteries of the universe are articulated by the Buddha of Douchebags in the Papyrus font that so annoys a graphic designer friend of mine:

Isn’t he fun? And so enlightened. We’ll be seeing more of the Buddha of Douchebags in upcoming weeks.

Fish, barrel, smoking gun: Look, I know there is no more easy target than the Segway Personal Transporter, you know it, the producers of Arrested Development and the producers of fucking Paul Blart knew it. This woman didn’t always know it, but she does by the end of the video:

The Segway personal transporter was kind of a unique pairing of incredibly clever engineering and, for the specific engineers who thought it was a cool idea, a lack of self-awareness that may indicate an autism spectrum disorder. There aren’t many things that make people look more dopey than zipping around on Segway personal transporters. Although there are a few:

Making fun of Segways, kangols, fanny packs, recumbent bikes, rideable model trains and overalls is not my hobby. My hobby is collecting Wacky Packages. But I’m just making the incredibly easy and obvious point right up front that Segway engineers and designers wouldn’t recognize aesthetics if aesthetics clawed its way out of its grave and came shambling and moaning down the corridors of Segway, Inc. to avenge its wrongful death at the hands of Segway engineers. Because they totally murdered aesthetics, you guys. I can tell by the way that you all look like idiots on your Segways. And just in case any of the doughy Paul Blarts cruising the Power and Light District think that maybe I’m not actually talking about them, I should emphasize that, yes, them more than anyone.

Now, undead American auto manufacturer General Motors is teaming up with Segway to produce a new kind of personal transporter that will forever change the way you wheel around looking like a dork. Have the engineers at Segway learned anything in the last eight years? Decide for yourself:

I am so sorry, you guys, this is just as easy as punching a baby. And “Never punch a baby” is one of the rules I live by.