Daily Briefs: America’s New Sports Doctor
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Embryogenesis doesn’t mean you get to live off my dime, mammalian blastular welfare queens. Buckskinned mountain folk in the blasted frozen lands of North Dakota polished off their plates of buffalo entrails, reset their beaver traps, hitched up their leather breeches and declared that blastocysts are persons with all the rights pertaining thereto, dated this day February Stupidth, Two Thousand Stupid. Shouldn’t they be more worried about the Hudson Bay Company actively destroying the fur trade North Dakotans rely on for their income? Because it seems like a more serious issue.
As citizens, blastocysts can now get student loans, a passport and receive U.S. protection abroad by checking in with the embassy, according to immigration.com. The squirrel-pelt-wearing mountain men who comprise the North Dakota state legislature are really going for the Constitutional gold on this one, because it bans abortion and contraception. BLAH BLAH BLAH. THE LEGAL RIGHTS OF FERTILIZED EGGS. BLAH BLAH BLAH. But nobody ever talks about the legal responsibilities of these freeloading microscopic immigrants, such as those laid out in this article on immigration.com:
- Serving on a jury
- Voting in elections
- Supporting and defending the Constitution of the United States
- Getting a damn job
That last one isn’t actually on immigration.com, it’s something Archie Bunker liked to say, and which my dad used to shout in the direction of my mom’s womb before I was born. And here I am, WORKING.
And then they’ll elect a Republican governor, naturally: In what has to be kind of a crushing blow to my sports doctor, Dr. Paschimakabata, who’s kept me in a glistening state of muscular hypertrophy for the last eight years with his Ace bandages, syringes of Aquateston and generic nandrolone decanoate, and whose deft manipulation of enhancement therapies has kept me from lactating even once, Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is reportedly President Barack Obama’s current top choice for Health and Human Services Secretary.
“She doesn’t even have a MEDICAL DEGREE,” said Dr. Paschimakabata as I eased into the whirlpool tub after my morning workout. He very hopefully sent his resume to the White House back in January. 
I didn’t point out that while, yes, he does have a medical degree, Dr. Paschimakabata no longer has a license to practice in the state of Missouri. His income tax form says “Clerk” on the “occupation” line. Also, I get a discount for making referrals, so if you want some Adderall or Xanax or something, send me an email. Obama’s previous nominee, Tom Daschle, had to withdraw his nomination over controversy surrounding his ridiculous Sally Jessie Raphael eyewear and being a tax clown. Eyewear joke brought to you by Pitch staff writer David Martin.
Morning Terror for rich tax clown motherfuckers: Wow, UBS, the largest bank in Switzerland, has actually admitted conspiring to defraud the Internal Revenue Service by providing secret off-shore accounts for the rich motherfuckers who pay lobbying firms to convince your congressperson to reduce the minimum wage to $2/hrly, paid fortnightly in Confederate currency and turnips, and who then attend magnificent hat parties wearing solid gold hats. These hat parties you cannot imagine, you guys, wealthy people lead unbelievably different lives from smelly old you guys. UBS is set to name account holders, and Federal prosecutors are apparently interested in 19,000 accounts. HAHA. People are calling it the end of Swiss Banking; then we’ll break the backs of the chocolatiers, then the windmill manufacturers. The hegemony of this liberal Northern European communist health care welfare state is coming to an end.
