Critical Fatwa

All hail “Love Rollercoaster,” a sweet slice of funk brought to us by the Ohio Players. There is not enough funk in this world. So we welcome every bite of funk that has been fed to us and every band that cooks it. Oh, Ohio Players, the sins that have been committed in your name! Last week, the companies that own the rights to your song “Singing in the Morning” won a sampling lawsuit against Bad Boy Records regarding the classic Biggie record Ready to Die. They won a lump of cash, which is permissible; mo’ money, mo’ problems, Puffy. However, the lawsuit has forced record stores across the country to pull the Biggie CD from shelves. For denying the world this fine record, these companies have earned themselves a fatwa!

Certainly, the pull is temporary. But that is of no consequence. For a footnote in music’s history and a boatload of cash (how much of that will go into an artist’s pocket?), you have prevented some fresh-faced young man from discovering the bliss of Brooklyn gangsterism served up Biggie-style! The boy may have been forced to buy the new Matisyahu record instead. His soul is lost forever, and the blood is on your hands.

Fatwa! May the rights of all your music revert to the artists, may your mountain of cash be possessed with the ghost of Biggie — and may it haunt you with well-crafted curses! It is written.