Critical Fatwa

All hail that doe-eyed siren known as Fiona Apple! Though she can be pretentious and sometimes seem unstable, these are faults we can forgive. Therefore, we do not fatwa Apple, even though her last album title had twice as many words in it as a standard Ramones song. We like Fiona Apple. That is why we heard her newest album, Extraordinary Machine, months ago when it leaked on the Internet to much public acclaim. But Apple’s label, Epic Records would like us to pretend this didn’t happen. For treating us like fools, Epic, we hand you a stinging fatwa!

In a recent press release, Epic has crowed that soon we will be able to hear the newly completed album. But we have already heard this album. Perhaps, Epic, you brought in a new producer for this release and ditched the venerable Jon Brion. We have a name for that: a remix album! Epic, you know that we know about the advance version — this paper even wrote about the leaked album in May of this year. Yet, you treat us as if you were a lothario caught in another’s embrace: We see right through your Judas kiss!

The days have passed, Epic, when you can pretend that Internet file sharing does not exist. May all of your bad decisions come back to haunt you, and may all of your albums leak. This is the fatwa as we have pronounced it! It is written.