Child-Free Zone

Last month, I was having dinner with an old friend in the spacious dining room of a midtown restaurant. It was a weeknight, and the place wasn’t busy at all. I was having such a nice time, I didn’t even look up when the attractive trio of adults, accompanied by a small child, were seated in the next booth.

I was just getting ready to bite into an eggroll when my seat started vibrating. The kid was violently kicking the back of the booth with both legs and screaming his head off.

I waited for the storm to blow over, for the parents to settle the tyke down. But no, he kept throwing his temper tantrum. I clocked it. After five miserable minutes, I motioned the waiter over and announced that I was moving to a new table. As we got up and relocated way across the dining room, the child’s parents glared daggers at me — as if I was insulting them and their bad-mannered brat by moving as far away as possible.

They were right. By exercising my right to a pleasant dining experience, my act of defiance was a way of giving that entire family the finger, metaphorically speaking.

I know I’m not alone. Recently, I read about an online petition urging child-free sections in North Carolina restaurants.

Children and restaurants are a tricky combination. The only way that children really learn restaurant etiquette is to be taken out to eat. But while the kids are on their learning curve, their normal high spirits, untamed energy and occasional tantrums can make the dining experience for patrons at the adjoining tables a challenging experience.

I didn’t mind children so much when I was a waiter, unless the parents — who are usually the real problem — let toddlers run wild in the dining room. That not only annoys other diners but also is potentially dangerous when little ones bounce into a server balancing a heavy tray or a pot of hot coffee. I’ve witnessed some near disasters.

In the 1960s, when I was a screaming brat, my father ended public tantrums quickly and efficiently with a slap — unimaginable behavior today. A better approach, I later discovered as a waiter, is to make sure that hungry kids get something to eat immediately, even if it’s just a cracker or a piece of bread.

Training lazy parents is a different story.