Cheaters, cum-tum, apple-polishing, and other quick hits from this week’s Savage Love
Dear Dan: I am a super queer-presenting female who recently accepted that I have desires for men. My partner of two years is bisexual and understands the desires, but has personally dealt with those desires via masturbation, while my desires include acting. Her perspective is that the grass is greener where you water it and that my desire to act is immature, selfish, and has an unrealistic end game. What gives when you don’t feel fulfilled sexually in a monogamous relationship?
Open Or Over?
Dear OOO: Something definitely gives when a person doesn’t feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship—sometimes it’s an ultimatum that’s given, sometimes it’s a one-time-only hall pass that’s given, sometimes it’s an agreement to open the relationship that’s given. But the relationship sometimes gives, e.g. the relationship collapses under the weight of competing and mutually exclusive needs and desires. If you want to open things up (if allowed) and she wants to keep things closed (no allowance), OOO, it’s ultimately your willpower—your commitment to honoring the commitment you’ve made—that’s likely to give.
Dear Dan: I have a close friend who’s cheating on her girlfriend. It has been going on for over a year. At first I actually supported the exploration because my friend has a really unsupportive girlfriend who has done really crappy things to her over the course of their relationship. I kept pushing for her to make a decision and use this affair as a way for her to free herself, but she is just coasting along with her girlfriend and her lover. She’s under a lot of stress, and she’s turned into a major liar, and it’s creeping me out. I’m considering either telling her girlfriend myself (though I promised my friend I wouldn’t) or maybe I just need to end this friendship. My friend’s double life upsets me. It’s just been going on too long.
Is My Friend An Asshole?
Dear IMFAA: If your friend—the one leading the double life—is asking you to run interference for her, if she’s asking you to lie to her girlfriend, or if she’s asked you to compromise your integrity in some way, she’s an asshole and you’re a sap; tell your friend you’re done covering for her and that you won’t be able to see her again until the deceit or the pandemic is over, whichever comes first. If the issue your friend expects you to ooze sympathize while she goes on and on about the mess she’s made of her life, IMFAA, simply refuse to discuss the mess that is her love life with her. Remind her that she already knows what you think needs to do—she needs to break the fuck up with her shitty girlfriend—and then change the subject.
Dear Dan: I’m a cis het woman who loves men and loves dicks. I love dicks so much that I fantasize about having one. Nothing brings me to orgasm more quickly or reliably than closing my eyes and imagining my own dick, or imagining myself as my partner, and what they’re feeling through their dick. I love being a woman, and I’m afraid to bring this up with any partner(s) of mine. Is this super weird? Am I secretly trans somehow? Am I overthinking this?
Perfect Minus Penis
Dear PMP: It’s not that weird, some people are trans and you could be one of them (but fantasizing about having a dick ≠ being a male), and you’re overthinking what you should be enjoying. Buy a strap-on, tell your partners about your fantasies, and enjoy having the dick the dick you can have.
Dear Dan: I wonder if you might be able to put a label on this sex act: It has to do with overstimulation, in this case of a penis (mine). After receiving a wonderful hand job, the giver kept stroking me purposefully. My penis was in a heightened, super-sensitive state. It was almost like being tickled, if you’re ticklish. I was being forcefully held down (consensually), and just as I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I had a second amazing orgasm. I didn’t ejaculate again, it was more of a body orgasm. It came in waves and everything was warm. It was mind-blowing, spiritual, galactic, unique, and very similar to how I’ve heard women describe their orgasms. Ever hear of anything like this? Is this some sort of Japanese underground kink thing?
Witty Hilarious Overzealous Amateur
Dear WHOA: The act you’re describing already has a name, WHOA, and an entry on Urban Dictionary: apple-polishing. Most men find the sensation of having the head of their cock worked so overwhelming that their bodies involuntarily recoil, which makes it difficult to polish someone’s apple if the “victim” isn’t restrained in some way. But it’s not painful—it’s like being tickled; indeed, the victim usually reacts with desperate laughter and gasping pleas for it to stop. (Don’t ask me how I know.) That all-over feeling of euphoria you experienced when your apple got polished was most likely a wave of endorphins—like a runner who pushes herself past her physical limits and experiences an full-body “runner’s high,” you were pushed past your physical limits, WHOA, and experienced the same sort of high.
Dear Dan: I’m a 35-year-old straight guy. I recently started seeing an amazing 34-year-old girl. We love being around each other, but during sex, neither of us can come. It’s infuriating, to say the least. She has no trouble when she masturbates and I know I have no trouble when I masturbate, so why can’t we come together?
Can’t Understand Matter
Dear CUM: If you can come when you masturbate and she can come when she masturbates, CUM, masturbate together and you’ll be coming together. Mutual masturbation isn’t a sad consolation prize—mutual masturbation is sex and it can be great sex. And the more often you come together through mutual masturbation, CUM, the likelier it gets that you’ll be able to come together while enjoying other things.
Dear Dan: I have a weird and terrible problem. I’ve been seeing someone new, and have just discovered that I get diarrhea every time I swallow his come. Like debilitating pee poops an hour after, every time. I know the solution to the problem would be to stop swallowing, but I was wondering if you had ever heard of this before or knew why this was.
My Sad Asshole
Dear MSA: I have heard of this before, MSA, and superstar Savage Love guest expert Dr. Debby Herbenick unpacked the cause for another reader a few years back: “Prostaglandins are substances made by the body and that the body is sensitive to. Semen contains prostaglandins—and prostaglandins can have a laxative effect on people. Related: If you’ve ever felt a little loosey-goosey right before getting your period, that’s also thanks to prostaglandins (which spike just before your period, because the prostaglandins get the uterine muscles to contract, which then helps to shed the lining of the uterus, resulting in a menstrual period). So why don’t more semen swallowers find themselves running to the bathroom post-blowjob? I don’t know why most people aren’t extra-sensitive to prostaglandins, but fortunately most of us aren’t, or there would probably be a lot less swallowing in the world.”
So, MSA, you’ll have to stop swallowing your boyfriend’s come or only swallow when you have immediate access to a toilet in a restroom with a powerful fan.
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On Twitter @FakeDanSavage.