Buyer’s Remorse

This baseball-lovin’ brisket had the distinct pleasure of being present for one of the best innings in the history of Royals baseball. In the top of the first last Wednesday against the Cleveland Indians, the boys in blue managed 10 runs on 11 hits, just one run short of the dozen needed for everybody to get free doughnuts. There wasn’t a fan in the place not already salivating at the thought of Krispy Kremes.

That one inning illustrated just how much Kauffman Stadium needs a makeover. After the team went past nine runs, it became clear that the scoreboard couldn’t display numbers 10 or higher in the runs-per-inning breakdown. Instead, it showed only a big fat zero.

Now, this skeptical sirloin wasn’t such a fan of this year’s stadium tax. Forking over hard-earned money for a team chronically in last place seems as well-thought-out as recent Royals draft picks.

But early in that Wednesday night game, it seemed that the Royals were headed for better things. This lucky loin had the privilege of sitting just behind third base, with an up-close view of one of the Royals best signs for the future: third baseman Mark Teahen.

In that first inning, Teahen had a pair of singles and an RBI and also crossed the plate for one of the runs. Teahen hit over .300 and had a slugging percentage of .545. Even this well-aged steak, watching Teahen hover near third, could see him as the clean-up batter for some future Royals team that makes a run at the pennant.

Fans had something else to feed their hope. Just a day earlier, The Kansas City Star had dedicated much of its front page to the plans for Kauffman upgrades.

The Royals have $250 million in taxpayer money to spend. No doubt Kauffman needs to update the dungeonlike concourses in the lower levels.

But the Star‘s 1,430-word piece also detailed some repairs that demonstrate how we taxpayers gave the Royals too much of our money. Take, for instance, the fan walk planned for right field. The idea is that a mall-like vestibule will open before the game, allowing early-arriving fans to bask in the splendor of The K.

This tight-wad tenderloin wonders why fans would go to the stadium early to pay American Restaurant prices for watered-down beer and Sheboygan sausage.

The second-most anticipated repair has to be the addition of a new video screen, which will help block the view of Interstate 70. Mark Gorris, the team’s senior vice president of business operations, bragged to the Star about plans for the screen: “When a guy’s at bat, you can see the sweat on his face.”

But with the team headed for another 100-loss season, fans don’t need a Jumbotron to see the sweat.

As the Strip pondered these additions, Sluggerrr made an appearance a section over. By the sixth inning, the Indians had scored nine runs. The Royals added three of their own, but the regulars now began wondering if they’d be dunking those Krispy Kremes in something stronger than coffee.

Sluggerrr, for his part, held a few youngsters upside-down for photos before dashing off. Surely, some of those youngsters wondered where the team mascot goes between games. The jungle? The zoo? Like the rest of the Royals, does he need extra batting practice?

Taxpayers may soon know the answer. According to the plans, writes that ever-informative Star, Sluggerrr could have a house of his own. That’s right: The plans tentatively call for a Sluggerrr dreamhouse, complete with, according to the article, “‘family pictures,’ a bedroom and living room.”

Fearing the worst, this frazzled fillet headed for the exits during the seventh-inning stretch. Just in time. In the top of the ninth, the Indians tied it up. In the top of the 10th, Cleveland clinched what may be the worst defeat in Royals history.

The Strip caught Teahen the next day on the news. A reporter asked if he’d ever heard of a team scoring 10 runs in the first inning and then going on to lose. No, he said, “and I watch a lot of baseball.”

Suddenly, those Krispy Kremes didn’t sound so good. But the Strip plans to pick them up and hold onto them for a year or so, until what was once sweet becomes stale and ruined. Then those dozen disgusting doughnuts will show up on the doorstep to the taxpayer-built home for a team mascot.