Buried treasures of the Big Muddy: Blow-up dolls and polka instruments

Before the age of modern landfills, Kansas City disposed of its garbage by feeding it to hogs — and dumping it in the Missouri River. Technically, our refuse is buried in Deffenbaugh’s massive hole in the ground these days, but plenty of trash still goes astray. And, like days of yore, it finds its way into the Big Muddy.

Since 2001, Missouri River Relief has hosted nearly 50 clean-ups, engaging volunteers and corporate sponsors to help fish out 500 tons of crap we’ve collectively chucked into the aquatic ecosystem. Every fall, the group hosts an event in the Kansas City area and, being a wannabe river rat, I pull on a life vest, throw a gigantic plastic bag over my shoulder and lend a hand.

And, man, there’s some weird shit out there.

Don’t take it from me. Vicki Richmond, River Relief’s (award-winning) “West Coast” coordinator, has spent untold hours scouring the banks. When I asked for her top five bizarre items she’s found out there, it didn’t take her but a moment.

For more mature audiences, a blow-up love doll was found last year — still in the box.

Messages in a bottle are always a hit. They range from letters to one’s self to some pretty racy propositions.

I found a “Nebraska — No Off Road Vehicles” sign — just downstream of Sugar Creek.

A piano certainly makes the list. I’ve personally found two. Somewhere there is a polka missing an accordion — we found it! And a banjo!

Here in KC, we found one of the braziers from the Water Fire event on Brush Creek. It makes my list because it ran through Brush Creek’s “lakes,” and entered the Blue River, where it went about 10 miles to the Missouri. It then took a right and floated on the Big Muddy for another eight or 9 miles to be found near Missouri City.

Intrigued? Tomorrow, from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., Missouri River Relief is hosting its annual clean-up at Kaw Point Park. In addition to the goodwill of Mother Nature, you’ll get a free T-shirt, lunch and, if you’re so inclined, whatever treasures strike your fancy.