Buckle Bunny Confidential: The Young Woman’s Guide to Getting Down With Rocker Boys

Like a lot of women, I suffer from a musician fetish.

Country-rockers, power-poppers, hardcore screamers, guitarists, piano boys, drummers — I’ve fallen for all kinds.

Call me a groupie — whatever. I’ve tried dating other kinds of men. But I always seem to leave the anthropology majors and fellow journalists for musicians. I wish I didn’t. Musicians, like anyone artistic or in the limelight, are hard to be involved with. Sure, they’re passionate and intense. Some of them are even loyal. But if they’re committed to their songs, as any serious musician should be, they don’t have a lot of time (or money) to devote to a significant other.

A musician’s girlfriend will always play second fiddle. That isn’t all bad. You just have to know it going in.

Sometimes, though, you don’t want to be the musician’s girlfriend. You just want to be his girl for the night.

For the record, I’ve never crossed that line while on assignment. But months after an interview, if I just happen to run into a guy at his band’s show, well, who’s to say what could happen after a few shots of Jägermeister? (That’s the drink of choice, by the way. I used to tote a bottle of it around concert afterparties in college.)

If you’re hopelessly attracted to musicians, read on. I’ve picked up a few tricks over the years.

For a rock-and-roll one-night stand, you’re better off hooking up with someone on tour. Not a Rolling Stone cover boy, though. Your odds are better if you hit up a show at, say, the Brick. The cute drummer from Chicago probably doesn’t know anyone at the bar, so he’ll be thrilled to spend the evening chatting with a pretty woman who knows about music. And unless he’s lucky enough to have reservations at a hotel, he’ll be relieved when you offer his band a place to crash and very eager to repay you in some way for your graciousness. Afterward, it’s just a few hours until he gets back on the road. And you don’t have to worry about running into him anytime soon, as you would with a townie.

Occasionally, though, after a long night on the balcony of a friend’s apartment, you may find yourself in a relationship of sorts. One sort is the local hookup. If it’s a traveling man you just got intimate with, you may have attained a friends-with-benefits status. You’ll stay in touch and give him a place to stay when he’s in town, and maybe he’ll do the same for you the next time you’re in his town.

Whether he’s a local rock-and-roller or a national star in the making, before you let a musician become your actual boyfriend, make sure he’s worthwhile.

Guys I’ve learned to avoid: the one who talks a big game but doesn’t ever seem to be at practice or doing anything related to his musical project, the one with a drug problem, the one who refuses to wear a condom, the one with a wife or a girlfriend. And beware anyone whose music you can’t stand — you won’t like it any better when you have to listen to it all the time.

Take heed, too, if he still lives with Mom. If he tours a lot, Mom’s house could just be a crash pad — or there could be a failure-to-launch problem.

Once your relationship is launched, everyone will be happier if you:

Help load the van. What better way to support your man, endear yourself to his bandmates and expedite the process of taking him home at the end of the show?

Don’t get jealous of the fangirls. Schmoozing is part of the business of rock.

Don’t bank on his success. Even if you think you’re rolling with the next Led Zeppelin, there’s no guarantee of fame and fortune.

Have your own life. Things are never going to work if you can’t have a good time by yourself and with your own friends when he’s on the road.

Finding someone to share your life with is another matter. The path to a picket fence, 2.5 kids and prosperity is easier to tread with a businessman or a doctor, I’m guessing.

And soon enough, I’m sure I’ll be ready for all that. But this musician rut ain’t bad for now.