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In his September 3 blog entry, KMBC Channel 9 newsman Larry Moore wrote about his station’s new studio. Because of the studio’s new high-definition broadcast capabilities, Moore wrote, he’s learning to apply makeup more professionally. The station is also keeping a lint picker on the set, so viewers won’t be distracted by conspicuous spots that didn’t show up before.
Moore downplays the impact of the new picture, but a Department of Burnt Ends investigation of recent Channel 9 broadcast tapes reveals startling, almost sinister, details about the news team working at 6455 Winchester Avenue, whose deformities were hidden for years before being exposed in the unforgiving gaze of high-def.
The handsome Jere Gish, supposedly from Penn State, is actually a Mr. Potato Head on a stick. Though it’s difficult to tell in the tightly framed shots, Moore himself seems to be supplying the voice while Maria Antonia works the hands.
Watching sports reporter Andy Fales in an old analog broadcast, it appears that the dark suits he favors could have been bought at any local mall. But Fales has apparently painted his torso an autumn brown, spraying a red stripe down the center in place of a tie. Chiefs fans can now easily make out his nipple piercings and a tattoo commemorating the 1987 Detroit tour stop of the heavy-metal band Motorhead.
Pete Grigsby has a twin conjoined at the back of his head, concealed for years by painting it green and projecting the weather map over its trunk. The phantom outline of the body is eerily graceful as it moves with Grigsby while he points out probable rainfall.
Marcus Moore’s seemingly innocuous forehead lines actually form, when carefully viewed in high-def, what looks to be a pentagram. As a sign of demonic, triple-six power, his eyes often glow red while he makes chatter between human-interest stories.
And nature has not been kind to Johnny Rowlands. Seen in 21st-century digital technology, this helicopter pilot and traffic reporter is a one-man medical catalog of abnormal developments, including webbed hands, a hairy breast in the center of his chest, and an almost complete lack of any lower lip.
