Bike Audible

Bryner and Wood told us that they once tried to bicycle to a Wizards match at Arrowhead Stadium. But when they got to the gates, the guard told them, “Rolling stock isn’t allowed.”

We’ve never heard a bike described in such Wall Street-soundin’ jargon, but a spokesman for the Chiefs confirmed that bikes aren’t allowed into the parking area on game days. The bosses fear that bicyclists won’t mix with thousands of cars and tipsy tailgaters — the stadium or one of its teams would be left holding the legal tab.

The Department of Burnt Ends is fired-up by two-wheelin’ athletes’ increasingly common underdog status. So we’ve devised a game plan on how to attack Arrowhead on bikes.

Before the snap: The roads approaching Arrowhead aren’t exactly bike-friendly. Your best bet of not getting run down by Chiefs-themed campers is by taking the Blue Ridge Cutoff, which at least has some sidewalks.

The attack: You’ll need to avoid the guard gates on the north and south sides of Arrowhead. These blockers will try to keep you from biking to the game. So approach right in the middle by off-roading down the grassy hill, where you can pretend you actually have a purpose for that mountain bike.

The blockers: If the parking attendants try to stop you, distract them by shouting “Go, Chiefs!” or “Herm rules!” Keep one hand on the handlebars as you do the tomahawk chop.

The score: There are no bike racks outside the stadiums, so find the biggest, burliest tailgater. Your bike is sure to be safe locked to his smoker.

The post-touchdown celebration: Don’t even think of exiting with the cars, which is akin to Larry Johnson sans offensive line. Instead, walk your bike back up the grassy hill, the way you came. Feel free to jeer the smog-producing motorists as you coast down the hill on the Blue Ridge Cutoff.