Backwash

Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everybody see that what we learned in Sunday school really matters.

Dear Jimmy:

I’ve never understood why some born-agains hate the Harry Potter books so much. Will I go to hell for reading them?

Jenny

Roeland Park

Dear Jenny:

Absolutely. Yeah, there’s no question you’ll suffer eternity as a human charcoal after reading J.K. Rowling’s subversive satanist tracts dressed up as kid lit. And I can say this with utter conviction after reading the Web site of one of my biggest heroes, the Zelig of religion, Iowa spirituality superstar Bill Schnoebelen. I only hope I’ll achieve half of the religious training Bill managed by the time he was in his mid-30s: more than a decade as a witch, years as a satanist, long stints as a Mason and a Mormon, decades as a UFO researcher. Bill even found time to be trained as a naturopath before he found Jesus in 1984. Clearly, Bill has worshipped more gods than a Hindu in a foxhole. That’s why I figure he knows what he’s saying when he writes: “The problem is that witches and magicians do exist. They DO cast spells and read crystal balls. A few even work on the discipline of lycanthropy — shape-shifting into animals. Thus, there is nothing fictitious about any of this, except in the minds of head-in-the-sand Christians.” And Jenny, is there anything more convincing than a guru like Bill telling you to pull your head out?

Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at editorial@pitch.com.

Lee’s Miserables

Hasn’t Lee’s Summit put Stan Willcutt through enough? Two weeks ago, the KC Strip described the construction worker’s lousy day in April when he pulled over to the side of Douglas Street to change a flat tire. His tire had punctured after he’d swerved when a violent sneeze caused severe pain to his ailing back.

Police then showed up, saying that they’d received a report of an erratic driver, but Willcutt explained the situation and said that he hadn’t consumed any drugs or alcohol.

Despite blowing 0.00 on a breathalyzer, Willcutt was arrested after he performed poorly in a field sobriety test. (Police reported that his speech had sounded slurred.) But Willcutt had predicted that he’d fail the test because of his rotten back and knees, and his lack of teeth impairs his speech all the time.

Later, in custody, Willcutt gave a urine sample that also tested negative for alcohol or drugs. A blood sample he submitted (on the advice of his attorney) after being released from jail also showed that he wasn’t high.

The Pitch reported that, for some reason, Lee’s Summit prosecutor Rachel Brown was ignoring all of that scientific evidence and was prosecuting Willcutt for driving under the influence anyway. His court date was set for last Thursday, July 14.

Willcutt had already spent about $1,000 in attorney’s fees trying to convince the city that his case wasn’t worth prosecuting. But when he showed up for court last week, he found that Brown had asked for a continuance and was in the process of filing new charges.

Instead of driving under the influence (which she clearly would have a difficult time proving), Brown told Willcutt’s attorney that she’d be prosecuting him on the lesser charge of careless and imprudent driving.

We wanted to ask Brown if the publicity in the case had caused her to downgrade the charges, but she didn’t return our phone call. Meanwhile, Willcutt’s attorney, Grady Price, has doubts about Brown’s new strategy. The police who arrested Willcutt didn’t actually see his driving, and to date, Brown has produced no witness who did.

Brown has already told the Pitch that she plans to go to great lengths to get a conviction, even in such a trivial case, so we imagine she’s working around the clock to send Willcutt away for swerving his car. (Actually, a successful conviction will likely just bring a stiff fine and a requirement that Willcutt pay for more expensive car insurance.) All of which once again raises the question: Isn’t there some better way for officials to spend taxpayer money in Lee’s Summit?

“I’m not going to plead,” Willcutt says. “I’m frustrated and mad. I’m wondering why the town I grew up in is raking me over the coals.” Notes From KC’s Blogosphere

Net Prophet
Things that annoy me about yoga class: The pregnant chick who always has to sit right next to me and always way too close, even though there’s always plenty of room. The chick who goes on and on about her 8-year-old daughter, and how cute she is, and how she keeps getting pre-approved credit card offers and how she always lets her daughter fill ’em out and send ’em in. Dumbass. The lone dude whom all the female yoga instructors fawn over. And it wouldn’t be so annoying if he didn’t act like he knows everything. And especially if he hadn’t given everyone in earshot a scene-by-scene recap of War of the Worlds, before I got to see it, the fuckstick. The dippy bitch whose cell always goes off. In the middle of class. And she always rushes to answer it. Causing extreme annoyingness. To me. And others like me. With PMS, I guess that means.

But it’s Friday, yay, and I’m gonna hang out with my boyfriend all damn weekend long. Somehow, he manages not to annoy me quite as much as everyone else does.

From “Bitchbook,” the blog of Sheri S.