Backwash

Jimmy the Fetus
Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everyone see that what we learned in Sunday school really matters.

Dear Jimmy:

I was sort of nervous about dating a really religious girl. You know how it is — you do all that work, and what’s it going to get you, right? She definitely struck me as the ring-first type. But after a couple of Zimas, she got pretty randy the other night and, well, it turns out she has this creative rule about staying a virgin. Let’s just say she blew my … mind. And I can tell I ain’t the first. But my question is, isn’t God gonna know that she’s bending the rules?

Luke

Paola

Dear Luke:

Take it from this placental paragon — bending the rules of virginity is historically the world’s most beloved contact sport. Remember what the Bible tells us: “Amram took to wife Jochebed his father’s sister and she bore him Aaron and Moses, the years of the life of Amram being one hundred and thirty-seven years.” You can bet that was some rocking century-plus for old Amram and the saucy aunt he hooked up with. Fact is, biblical times were a lot more swingin’ than our own, Luke. And if it takes the well-toned jaw muscles of a few preacher’s daughters to get us back to those hedonistic days, you can bet heaven is looking down with a sloppy grin.

Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at editorial@pitch.com.

Same Sleaze, Different Year

Last year, the Pitch criticized KCTV Channel 5 for a February sweeps series that saw the station partnering up with controversial Internet vigilantes to run a questionable perv sting operation. The series had reporter Steve Chamraz lying in wait to surprise men lured to an Independence house by middle-aged guys pretending to be pubescent girls in online chat rooms. The KC Strip pointed out that at least one of the 16 men who showed up hadn’t talked about sex at all during his Internet conversation and claimed to have been lured to the house by a phone call made by a woman who was clearly not underage. Chamraz admitted to the Pitch that the station didn’t know who the vigilantes had recruited to make that phone call. However, Channel 5 labeled the ensnared man an “Internet predator” who was interested in sex with “underage” women.

Still, Chamraz and his producer vigorously defended their work, and the station’s news director, Regent Ducas, said the story was an important warning to Kansas Citians about the dangers of the Internet.

OK, sure. So what was the point last week when, once again, Channel 5 pulled the same stunt for another February sweeps week, renting a house and planting Chamraz to confront three morons who were reeled in this time around?

We asked Ducas what lesson Kansas City should take from the station doing the same sting all over again — other than that Channel 5 will do almost anything to hold onto its recent rise to No. 1 in the 10 p.m. newscast ratings.

We’re still waiting for a response.

Pretty in Pink

Teeth falling out. Excessive housecleaning. Marathon sex sessions.

As if tweakers didn’t already have enough to worry about, now they might end up glowing in the dark as well. For some time now, farmers have been able to purchase a product called Glo Tell that can be added to the anhydrous ammonia that they use as a fertilizer. It seems that methheads have been stealing the stuff from farms for use in meth labs, and Glo Tell is a way to cut down that theft. It stains the ammonia a pink color that’s very persistent — even after it washes off, its presence can be detected for up to three days with ultraviolet light. Drug cops love the stuff: Speed freaks using meth created from Glo Tell-stained ammonia glow orange like rock posters under a black light.

Problem is, the stuff isn’t cheap, and farmers can’t always afford to buy it. So now Missouri State Rep. Wes Shoemyer, a Democrat from Clarence, is proposing a new statute that would set aside about $3 million a year to help farmers buy batches of Glo Tell.

Sounds like a good plan. But naturally, the dopeheads are already one step ahead. It didn’t take Backwash very long to find an online meth forum where crank cooks are trading info on how to leach the Glo Tell out of their “annie.”

Oh, well. Guess we’ll never be able to tell who’s speeding just from looking at them.

Net Prophet
Notes from KC’s blogosphere.

This past weekend we gathered a few friends and ventured out to the River Market to check out the scene. I had never been down there on the weekends so I didn’t know what to expect. To my surprise, the crowd was pretty darn dressed up. It was like they got lost on the way to the Plaza. I was kind of hoping the River Market was a little more laid back. I was too engulfed with catching up with my friends to talk to anyone, so I don’t know for sure if there was any snobbishness to accompany their dressy attire. But I must admit the River Market had its fair share of cute girls out that night. While enjoying a yard beer at Harry’s Country Club, I got a call from Colin asking me who my two favorite Ninja Turtles were. Without hesitation, I responded that Leonardo and Donatello were my favorites. Matt said those were his favorites, too. Our reasoning was because in the old Nintendo game, Leonardo’s sword and Donatello’s bow staff had the longest reach and could do the most damage. Good Lord, I’m a dork.

From “Bradical Mindspew,” the online diary of Brad Becker.