Jimmy the Fetus

Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everyone see that what we learned in Sunday school really matters.

Dear Jimmy:

I read somewhere that the No. 1 question preachers get is how God could let so many bad things happen to people all around the world. And I was thinking, what if he’s just really, really busy? I mean, it seems like all the kids I know are constantly praying, particularly when we have to take a test in English class, and maybe that takes up a lot of God’s time.


Lake Quivira

Dear Melissa:

Yes, it’s true that much of God’s time is taken up by all of the prayer requests coming from Christians. It’s a little-known fact, for example, that born-again professional athletes take up fully a third of God’s daily schedule, since he has to personally help out with every 3-point shot, forward pass and fastball hurled by Christian athletes. Similarly, a high percentage of award-winning rappers monopolize God’s time. But remember what the Bible tells us, Melissa: “Can a fig tree, my brethren, yield olives, or a grapevine figs? No more can salt water yield fresh.” In other words, the Big Guy has his way of doing things, and if he’s too wrapped up seeing to it that spring-training home-run requests get answered to prevent car bombings in Baghdad, who are we to question it?

Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at

Tinsel Down

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. But at a few area businesses, it still looks a lot like Christmas.

Holiday decorations adorn several buildings in the metro, even as the day when Christians mark the death draws nigh.

In some instances, the malingering decorations come with sensible explanations. Until February 15, for example, a large wreath hung from North Kansas City Hospital. Before the wreath came down, hospital spokeswoman Kim Shopper informed us that construction supplies were taking up space in the area where the wreath is normally stored.

“Well, it’s not lighted, so at least that helps,” Shopper noted.

Sterling Inc., a midtown Kansas City, Missouri, business, has a wreath on the side of its building and an artificial tree on the roof. But at Sterling, it’s Christmas all year long. The Main Street business is a wholesaler of yuletide items such as fake trees, ornaments and outdoor lights.

Other places of business, however, appear to have no excuse for their lollygagging Christmas displays.

KC Heritage, a construction company on Southwest Trafficway, displayed a wreath as late as last Thursday. Company president Tom Dunn did not return two phone calls seeking an explanation — perhaps because he didn’t have one.

“I told him to take that thing down,” a woman who answered the phone said when Backwash called the company and asked about the festering festivity.

Net Prophet
Notes from KC’s blogosphere.

I didn’t get the job I thought I would because of my credit report. What kind of messed up bullshit is that? Now, I understand if this was a job dealing with money and such, but it’s a fucking insurance company and the job I’d be doing has nothing to do with money. This is bullshit! I was not impressed with the way this company worked during the interviewing process, but I need a damn job so I was willing to overlook it. Fucking idiots. Whether or not my credit is good or not has nothing to do with how well I can do a fucking admin job — nothing. And my credit isn’t horrible, it’s just not that good. I’ve had a couple issues this past year with a couple credit cards, yes. I can’t pay them because I have no goddamn money because I can’t get a goddamn job. Urrggghhh. I know criminals who can get work easier than me. I know people without a diploma who’ve gotten a job easier than me. What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

From “Life or Something Like It,” the online diary of Cheri Lynn

Categories: News