Jimmy the Fetus
Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everyone see that what we learned in Sunday school really does matter.
I was wondering if you’ve thought about writing a living will so your loved ones will know what to do if you end up hooked to a machine.
You better believe I already have it signed, notarized and gripped tightly in my webbed little fingers. In fact, in light of recent events, I had the foresight to address it directly to members of Congress. Here’s how it reads: “Dear Cocksuckers: If I have the misfortune of someday losing my forebrain and any measurable nervous-system activity higher than the ability to crap my hospital linens, the last thing I want is to be the centerpiece of your next re-election effort. Remember what the Bible tells us, you shit heels: ‘No bastard shall enter the assembly of our Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly,’ which pretty much leaves the entire House and Senate out in the cold on Sundays from now to the second coming. Speaking of which, I gotta get back to living life to its fullest before that plug gets pulled. Oh, and do me a favor: When I’m a vegetable, don’t draw it out. Toss me onto a bonfire or something — but make sure to tie Randall Terry to me for good measure.”
Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wanna Ride It?
Backwash staffers did double takes when we happened across this, uh, lifelike rendering of a skatepark planned for completion this spring at Harmon Park in Prairie Village. An outfit out of Seattle named Grindline designed the gnarly park, and a review of its Web site reveals that the firm has designed similar skate playgrounds around the country. But none of the others seem to share this one’s attention to, well, anatomical detail.
When we mentioned to the Z boys at Grindline that Kansas skaters will soon be catching air in what bears a striking resemblance to a righteous cock and balls, company GM Chris Hildebrand replied, “Maybe you see those in everything. But I’ve never heard that said about this design.”
See half-stiff johnsons in everything we see? C’mon, Chris, even Backwash knows sometimes a half pipe is just a half pipe. But we haven’t seen a more accurate impression of a guy’s giblets since that time in college when a roommate had a freak accident and landed on a plate of mashed potatoes.
Prairie Village city staffer Joshua Farrar tells us he was present when Grindline unveiled the design to the suburban community’s City Council. We asked him if anyone brought up the skatepark’s phallic form. “Not to the best of my memory, no,” he says. “No, it more resembles a bowl in a skatepark.”
Farrar sounded a little put out by our query, but we asked one more time. Sure nobody caught the resemblance to tumescence? “It never came up,” he replied. And we’ll just let that statement sink in without further comment.