Apocalpyse Protection Services now on Craigslist

If you’re worried about lunch and the world’s end, one man wants to help you solve that problem. For a sheer $500, Sammy Orangkhadivi will not only provide protection from zombies but also unleash his “awesome cooking skills.” If you’re wondering about his qualifications, you should know that he wrestled and played football for 15 years and has a bonus year of MMA experience. While you hang out for the day, you will also be safe from Satan, Mayan revenge-seekers and “creatures emerging from underground/outer space.”

He’s in the Kansas City metro area, and you need to be at his place this morning – so answer quickly if you’re interested. You are asked to bring ice cream and movies. So, apparently, the apocalypse is kinda like a breakup in a romantic comedy.