Amber Alert! America is missing!
Ladies and gentlemen, be vigilant! We here at The Pitch have been informed that America is missing. She was last seen minding her own business, playing jacks on the sidewalk, when Barack Obama pulled up in a big black van and asked if America wanted some candy. Once America got inside, it turned out there wasn’t any candy and the van smelled like old nickels and there were dozens of little shoes scattered around.
They were last seen heading east.