Am I Not Your Man?

“I am a lesbian. I have not been comfortable with that fact until recently.” — Sinead O’Connor, in a letter to Hot Press magazine clarifying an interview published there in May.

“I believe it was overcompensating of me to declare myself a lesbian. It was not a publicity stunt. I am not in a box of any description. Love, Sinead.” — O’Connor, writing to the June 18 issue of Irish newspaper The Sunday Independent to clarify an interview she granted to follow up the Hot Press article.

“He’s turned into some kind of fucking dirt bag. He’s some kind of floating fag.” — New York City police spokesman (and president of the New York Fraternal Order of Police) Bob Lucente, calling out Bruce Springsteen in response to his new song “American Skin,” which addresses the police killing of Amadou Diallo. Lucente has been forced to resign as a result of his comments.



Must be music-savvy and sensitive to matters of sexual identity. Should also be forceful and decisive. Catholics encouraged. Apply to Box NC2U, Dublin, EIRE.

Dear Ms. O’Connor:

I am a retired New York City police officer familiar with the malicious press. It has been my pleasure over the years to sound off on issues of the day, especially regarding music. Up until recently, I was, for instance, a big fan of Bruce Springsteen. But things change, and I find myself looking for something new to listen to and for something to do for a living.


Bob Lucente

Dear Mr. Lucente:

Thank you for your interest in the press agent position. I’m very surprised at the high volume of unusual applications. I have in front of me, for example, the 8×10 glossies of two separate Survivor cast members. Anyway, to help me through this difficult process, please complete the attached survey and personality profile and fax it back to me. I hope to be making my decision soon.


Mother Bernadette Mary

(Don’t worry, it’s me, Sinead.)

Dear Ms. O’Connor/Mary:

Here’s your questionnaire back. I’m as liberal as the next New York City cop, but I have to admit I don’t understand why you asked me to respond to a series of questions about lesbianism. If this is about those tapes I checked out on Bleeker Street, I returned those a long time ago. Even rewound ’em (not that I watched the whole thing, heh heh). Anyway, kudos to your fine investigative team for doing such a thorough background check.



Dear Mr. Lucente:

I don’t have detectives, Bob, but I appreciate your honesty. In response to your candid answers to my last correspondence, let me first mention that I don’t think it’s fair or accurate or even very kind to say that “except for the ones who do it to get men off, dykes have creeped me out ever since I saw Beatrice Arthur on television.” Take it from me, you men don’t know what you’re missing from Bea. To answer the question you wrote in on No. 64: Yes, I have been ordained as a priest, but no, it doesn’t turn me on to begin intercourse with “Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned.” In fact, now might be a good time to tell you that not only do I not date employees but, well, read the enclosed clippings and see for yourself.



Dear Ms. O’Connor:

Boy, you really do need an agent. I can’t believe you told that paper you’ve been with 30 people. I mean, I’ll need to know that to do my job, if you hire me, but there’s no reason your local paper should get that info. Thanks for the publicity still and copy of your new disc. I’m sorry to see that you’re sick, but your hair should grow back in time, and if you hire me, I’ll make sure we airbrush your pictures or something. Have you thought of working with Mariah Carey? Don’t you think she’s hot?

Talk to you soon,



I just got word of what you said about Bruce Springsteen. I might not understand his complicated relationship with Clarence Clemons, but I wouldn’t go around calling him names like that. Judging from the photo you sent me (unless I’m thinking of that Richard gentleman from Survivor again), I think he could take you in a fight. I’m no stranger to controversial statements, but I’m a bit put off by the nature of your comments and now think George Stephanopoulos will likely move into the lead as my first choice for the job.



Mother BM:

So you hide behind the cloth when delivering bad news? Frank Sinatra was right about you: You just need a good kick in the ass. If I weren’t waiting for a call from Ted Koppel, I’d fly over there and give it to you myself.


Dear Mr. Lucente:

You Americans are insane. You can give an Academy Award to an in-law of Rob Lowe for playing a lesbian posing as a man, but the minute a bald musician chick talks about making love to a woman, she’s “confused.” I don’t need your pity or your anger, Bob. In fact, I’ve done pretty well without a press agent this long. Maybe I’ll just skip the whole thing and go back to writing letters to the editor whenever I put out a record (or just put out). I can’t afford to pay George what he’s asking anyway, and you’re clearly a loose cannon. Here’s your picture back — good luck taping it back together.



Categories: Music