All crushed out on these 12 Kansas Citians
We once knew a woman who rented the first floor of a house on Pennsylvania, around the corner from the Uptown Theater. Her upstairs neighbor was a good-looking young man. He was quiet. We never saw him all that much. But for a little while, the traffic on the back staircase leading to his apartment was a highway of women. He was a barista, and The Pitch‘s annual Best of Kansas City issue had just named him the most crushworthy man in town.
Coincidence? Maybe.
Then again, it’s possible that the dozen locals we’ve rounded up on these pages — because one or two people once a year just isn’t enough for us anymore — are about to experience their own surges in attention. We think they deserve it. (To anyone dating one of our crushes: We’re sorry. But come on — you know what you’re holding there, right?) These smart, talented, sexy men and women have been breaking our hearts for a while, and now we want to share the pain.
Karina Parreño
When it comes to cookies, we lack restraint. Tempt us with some European cookie sandwiches (with buttercream in the middle!), and we will tell you anything. And if Karina Parreño — the drop-dead-gorgeous co-owner of local pastry company Milk & Honey — is dangling those French macarons, we will happily follow her and her delicious desserts through the gates of hell.
Age: 30
Job: Co-owner, Milk & Honey
Relationship status: Recently started dating somebody.
What’s your go-to drink? Moscow Mule
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Disney music
What’s the last thing that made you cry? Slicing white onions for kale soup. Gets me every time.
What’s on your nightstand? A pile of unfinished books.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? A blowtorch. I like to use fire in my baking.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? Guys don’t feed me too many lines.
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Speak to me in Spanish.
Dumped or dumper? Does it matter? Breaking up hurts whether you’re the one walking away or being left behind.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Le Fou Frog
If you want to impress me, feed me … My favorite candy.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Westport Café
What’s your workout? Running. I also started doing this jump core class. It kind of makes me want to pass out, but I feel great afterward!
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Bad table manners
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? Use my nasal spray. I’m addicted.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Russell Brand or Daniel Tosh
Have you ever been the other woman? No.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? Being a perfectionist about things that really don’t matter.
What are you most vain about? Wrinkles. I want Botox, but my mom will disown me if I get it.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? Kind eyes and dimples
Who’s on your crush list? Gilles Marini and Channing Tatum
Alex Espy
Last fall, Alex Espy worked as the prop designer for a production of Shrek the Musical at the Coterie Theatre (where he also serves as a teaching artist). This week, he wraps up another kid-friendly stint, narrating and acting in a Kansas City Symphony production of Peter and the Wolf at the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts. Espy, who has written, directed, and designed sets for a number of other plays around town, also happens to be very handsome and unattached.
Job: Theater artist
Age: 35
Relationship status: Single
What’s your go-to drink? Lately, whiskey on the rocks.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? I was going to say Beyoncé. But she’s not so bad. She can sing. There are a lot of cheesy pop songs I hear on the radio that I like after I hear them enough times.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? Earlier today, when I was rehearsing with the KC Symphony for the first time. I didn’t cry, exactly, but my eyes welled up a bit when I heard them start playing.
What’s on your nightstand? A mug, for water
What’s the coolest thing in your home? I have a couple of pachinko machines — these 1960s vintage, upright pinball machines from Japan. I also make a lot of my furniture. The headboard above my bed is an old bedspring with light bulbs in it.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard? Someone recently approached me and told me that he thought he knew what my astrological sign was. He was wrong. He didn’t even get it by the third try. Astrological stuff doesn’t interest me at all. I shut down if I pick up on that.
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Just casual conversation. It turns me off if someone is too forceful.
Dumped or dumper? This sounds cocky, I guess, but historically I have been the dumper.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? It depends on the individual. But I do love La Bodega.
If you want to impress me, feed me … Something I haven’t had before.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? I really like Fred P. Ott’s, because it’s close to where I live.
What’s your workout? Right now I’m getting exercise just working on Peter and the Wolf. I play eight different characters in the show, so it’s basically this great 30-minute leg workout.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? I don’t know how petty this is, but I get turned off when somebody is too interested too soon. I like to move slowly into things.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? When I’m working on a show, I tend to say my lines under my breath, which might look a little strange to people who see me walking around mumbling in public.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Anderson Cooper
Have you ever been the other man? No.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I would like to spend less time on my phone. I tend to be too attached to it.
What are you most vain about? I started going gray when I was 12, and I did not like it back then. But I have to say that now I really do like my salt-and-pepper hair.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? I love a man in glasses. I always look twice at a tall, thin man in glasses. If we want to get more crass, I am an ass man.
Who’s on your crush list? Anderson Cooper
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Rupal Gor
Rupal Gor knows where the action is, especially if the action you’re looking for involves giant trucks crushing cars, dirt-bike riders soaring through an arena, or princesses on ice skates. Gor promotes really big shows — Monster Jam, Nuclear Cowboyz, Arenacross and, yes, Disney on Ice — which means that she’s got a major ticket hookup. But if you’re ever this sunny KU grad’s plus-one, we dare you to keep your eyes on whatever spectacle is unfolding on the arena floor.
Job: I am the local promoter for Feld Entertainment. I do all of the marketing, the media buys, all the ticketing. Basically, promote shows from start to finish.
Age: 30
Relationship status: Single
What’s your go-to drink? A glass of sauvignon blanc. If I’m being specific, it’d be Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Britney Spears. I got one of her albums, I think it’s the Circus album, and I know all of the songs by heart. I don’t know why. It’s upbeat.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? I just turned 30. My friends threw me a party at Classic Cup. They decorated the whole place, had my favorite wine, had a drink made after me. Just all of the stuff that they put into that made me tear up because it showed me how wonderful they are.
What’s on your nightstand? Water, Capri Blue Anthropologie candles and my iPhone 5, which is my alarm.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? A piece of artwork my friend made for me for my birthday. It’s got all of my favorite colors and matches my living-room color scheme.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard? Someone actually said to me, “You must be a parking ticket because you’ve got fine written all over you.”
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Someone who is a little more subtle and not trying to be out there hitting on you. And maybe someone who can make me laugh right away.
Dumped or dumper? I’m both. I also feel like when I am the dumper, there’s usually a good reason.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? The Westside Local. It has a great atmosphere, no matter what time of day.
If you want to impress me, feed me … A homemade meal from start to finish, and not, like, frozen pizzas. I think that’s impressive if a guy can do that.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Harry’s Bar & Tables
What’s your workout? When I’m not busy running around at my events, I do mostly elliptical. And I’ve been trying to mix yoga in with a busy schedule. It helps with all of the stress.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Bad grammar and spelling
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? When I’m with my dog, I’ll talk to him in a baby voice, and I’ll talk like we’re having a conversation.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Paul Rudd
Have you ever been the other man or woman? No. My friends say I’m picky, as I don’t date much. But when I do, they’re decent guys and pretty transparent.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I’m pretty stubborn. I don’t know if that’s something that I want or need to fix about myself, but I need to watch out for when I’m being that way.
What are you most vain about? Having nice teeth.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? A good smile
Who’s on your crush list? Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my huge celebrity crush.
Jonetta Stewart
Last year, the three Scott Fitness gyms south of the river were suddenly renamed theGymKC. How come? Because Jonetta Stewart — the astonishingly fit, wildly hot personal trainer and co-owner of the gyms — bought out her business partner. In marketing theGymKC, though, Stewart has neglected to exploit a major selling point: That she is usually at one of her gyms, and, if you happen to be there at the same time, you can look at her. Just try not to stare. There’s an art to it.
Age: 43
Job: Owner, theGymKC
Relationship status: It’s complicated.
What’s your go-to drink? It depends on what time it is. Day: water; night: Clear 10 and soda, tall, with a lime.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? The crashing waves of the ocean
What’s the last thing that made you cry? The PSA for “Fight Club” (a local anti-bullying youth club) that takes place at theGymKC: Uptown.
What’s on your nightstand? My bobble and my student pilot instruction manual.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? My 8-by-6 custom-framed mirror. It doubled the square footage of my house. It’s huge!
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? I don’t think I ever get “picked up on.” My ex-husband’s pickup line was, “Want to go tan together?” Yes, cheesy … but effective.
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Being an old-school gentleman — opening doors, respect.
Dumped or dumper? Dumped.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Café Trio’s deck, La Bodega, Jack Stack
If you want to impress me, feed me … Just feed me! My policy is, either people feed me or I eat out.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? All of them!
What’s your workout? Project Poolside! Exclusively taught at theGymKC. It’s everything you should do on your own that you don’t. It’s basically a personal-training session for a group of people.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Carrying around a gallon jug of water in the gym.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? I check out my teeth to make sure nothing is lodged in them.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? The Beautiful Bodies. Check out their Kickstarter video, shot at theGymKC: Westside and you’ll understand why.
Have you ever been the other woman? Not that I’m aware of. I don’t play that game.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? Being more … human? I have been accused of being a fembot.
What are you most vain about? Aging. Even though I’m proud to say that I got carded at Drunken Fish.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? His smile and eyes.
Who’s on your crush list? “GSP” [UFC fighter Georges St-Pierre] and Ryan Reynolds
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Tosin Morohunfola
Pitch theater critic Deborah Hirsch recently noticed actor Tosin Morohunfola’s “focused and physical portrayal” of Pigeon, a character in the Unicorn’s just-closed run of Blacktop Sky. Emphasis on “physical”: Morohunfola has a Hollywood body, mischievous movie-star eyes and — damn him — talent. He appeared in an off-Broadway production of Lucky Duck in New York last spring, and his star has been shining brighter on stages around town ever since.
Age: 24
Occupation: Actor
Relationship status: Single
What is your go-to drink? Whiskey sour
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? DC Talk and some other contemporary Christian music. That’s ironic that Christian music would be a guilty pleasure, right?
What’s the last thing that made you cry? I’m not sure if I cried, but watching the closing performance of The Presidents, a show I directed at the Living Room.
What’s on your nightstand? Bible, lamp, pack of gum, cup of water
What’s the coolest thing in your home? I’ve got a drum box that I’m pretty fond of. Also, my laptop. I like to write a lot.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? “Are you OK to drive home?”
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Dance. If you dance with me, I’m good.
Dumped or dumper? It’s split pretty much down the middle.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Anna’s Oven. The macaroni and cheese is the bomb. And it’s cute, and the lighting isn’t too dim. And it’s close to my house.
If you want to impress me, feed me … Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Or Fast Breaks, which are like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but in a bar form, and with nougat.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Uptown Arts Bar
What’s your workout? Mostly weightlifting.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? I hate it when people tell me, “Oh, you’re such a white black man” or that I’m “articulate.” Also, when people say “totes” instead of “totally.”
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? I sing a lot. Sometimes Usher, sometimes musicals.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Dave Chappelle
Have you ever been the other man? Yes.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? See above question.
What are you most vain about? Probably my physique — upper body, specifically.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? My feeling is basically that legs tell you everything you need to know.
Who’s on your crush list? The girl in this movie I just watched, Premium Rush. Ah, Dania Ramirez. Gorgeous.
David Becker
Attention, women who claim to have a thing for musicians: Don’t forget the men of the Kansas City Symphony! We’re talking all of the talent, confidence and passion of your punk-band ex, without all that talk about maybe someday making a 7-inch. (Bonus: an enviable ease with eveningwear.) Our case in point is handsome brass man David Becker. By day, he helps the symphony hold down its bass clef. By night, he … well, same thing, but dressed formally and in front of big Kauffman Center audiences. One word, ladies: embouchure.
Age: 30
Occupation: Bass trombonist, Kansas City Symphony
Relationship status: Single
What’s your go-to drink? A perfect Manhattan made with rye, garnished with a lemon peel and hopefully on one big rock.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Pretending to weep inconsolably as I karaoke Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.” I’m a professional musician, so that’s pretty guilty, folks.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? Foreigner?
What’s on your nightstand? The collected poems of Zbigniew Herbert (always) and a collection of J.D. Salinger short stories (currently). The Salinger is actually making pretty depressing bedside reading, so it may have to go.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? I have an antique icebox filled with the high-gravity beers I’m aging.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? It went something like this: “How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m David.” Very apropos in our ecologically troubled times, no?
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? I find a woman who is confident, straightforward, knows what she wants, and can make good substantive conversation very attractive. The right sense of humor is also key.
Dumped or dumper? Sigh. Dumped.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? For a first date, I like to try a new place, maybe find a hole in the wall and have a little adventure. Maybe we’ll get food poisoning together. We can tell the grandkids.
If you want to impress me, feed me … Something you’ve prepared with care.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Can you pay off my tab at Tannin?
What’s your workout? I’ve been doing yoga for the past several months and really enjoying it. I’m also looking forward to getting back on my bike soon.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? I prefer a dainty ankle?
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? I think that my upstairs neighbors probably thought there was a crazy person living below them.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Honestly, I hate truth or dare. I’m a pretty outgoing person, but to really get to know me can take some time, so I always go for the dare, and we all know that the dare never ends well.
Have you ever been the other man? I don’t need that kind of drama in my life.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I’m pretty hard on myself, which does me both good and bad. It’s important to have drive. Staying positive is the key.
What are you most vain about? Probably being included in a Valentine’s crush piece in The Pitch.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? I love beautiful eyes and that little dimple at the corner of the mouth that some women have when they smile.
Who’s on your crush list? Esperanza Spalding. She’s gorgeous, unbelievably talented, and seems like a very articulate and kind person.
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Sara Davidson
Kansas City’s big thinkers, doers and entrepreneurs have a dream girl in Sara Davidson. The bubbly go-getter moved to Kansas City from Council Bluffs, Iowa, to do digital marketing for then-startup Zaarly. And she has stuck around as a passionate evangelist for all things tech in KC. And we’re glad that the blond bombshell did. If you’re on the tech beat, you know who she is. And we’re sure you’re better for it.
Job: Co-founder of Revvv.It (digital-marketing company) and co-host of Entrepreneur KC Radio on KMBZ 1660
Age: 27
Relationship status: In a relationship
What’s your go-to drink? Extra-dirty gin martini with blue-cheese-stuffed olives
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Justin Bieber and Jason Derulo
What’s the last thing that made you cry? On Saturday night, I grabbed what I thought was eyedrops from out of my purse and accidentally put nail strengthener in my eye. I literally thought I was going to go blind.
What’s on your nightstand? The Icarus Deception by Seth Godin, The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte, a Moleskine notebook for journaling and writing down ideas, and an empty bottle of wine.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? A Cuban sword. Guys love this when I have parties, for some reason.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? I don’t use pickup lines. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? They have to be so smooth that I don’t feel like I’m actually getting hit on.
Dumped or dumper? Dumper fo sho
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Nara
If you want to impress me, feed me … Some nice sushi, sashimi and a high-quality bottle of sake.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? JJ’s
What’s your workout? Two to three classes a week at Woodside, plus cardio two to three times a week … and yoga when I can.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Lack of ambition
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? Watch The Bachelor, read tech and startup blogs, and listen to personal-development programs.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? This might get me in trouble.
Have you ever been the other woman? Never ever — that I know of!
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I have a kind of short attention span and can get bored easily.
What are you most vain about? Hair or teeth
What physical feature are you a sucker for? Smile
Who’s on your crush list? Channing Tatum! Ryan Reynolds and Justin Timberlake
Maria Calderon
Kombucha-slugging art freaks, meet your new crush: Maria Calderon. Ordinary people who just like nice yoga bodies: May we also introduce you to Maria Calderon. She is a prolific artist and a drawing instructor at UMKC, and she teaches yoga on the lawn of the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art. Also, as you can see, she makes her own bodysuits. We’re into all of it.
Job: Interdisciplinary artist, yoga instructor, art lecturer at UMKC
Age: 28
Relationship status: Unconventional
What’s your go-to drink? Morning: spirulina, chlorella and marine phytoplankton with lemon; afternoon: Shang Tea Tangerine Blossom and Silver Needle King; evening: Port Fonda mezcal anything.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Recently, I’ve acquired an unexpected taste for Rod Stewart — specifically, “You Wear It Well,” “Young Turks” and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”
What’s the last thing that made you cry? A thread about dirty candy hearts on Facebook. I couldn’t breathe. I contemplated my mortality while laughing for an unhealthy length of time.
What’s on your nightstand? Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Palo Santo, R.O. H20 and nonsexual-related essential oils.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? I hoard weavings and vintage fabric. I have turned my apartment into a permanent, grown-up, fortlike treehouse situation. I’m eternally 5 years old.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? Pick up a rag at a bar, lean to person of interest and ask politely, while raising rag toward his or her face: “Excuse me, but does this rag smell like ether?”
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Refer back to previous question.
Dumped or dumper? Both. My diet and lifestyle keep me pretty “regular,” but it really just depends on what I eat.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? My kitchen because I’m kind of awesome at making the foods.
If you want to impress me … Hand-feed me or baby-bird-feed me organic Swiss chard and ginger-cayenne-lemon tonics.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Fervere, Füd, Port Fonda
What’s your workout? Yoga, meditation, active visualization and trance-dance enthusiast
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Jealousy, ownership of thought, lack of creativity and lack of present nature.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? Work on my dog anthem, a tender tale of how badass my dog is, specifically titled, “The Best Dog in the Whole World: Puppers McFluffers, Doggers McWoofers.”
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Bill Murray, because he likes a challenge, is a total freak and probably has the most outlandish stories.
Have you ever been the other man or woman? Who said I’m schizophrenic?
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? The man inside me.
What are you most vain about? Thinking this song is about me.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? A rising serpent kundalini spine and a bitchin’ yoga bod.
Who’s on your crush list? Damo Suzuki, Rahsaan Roland Kirk, Sun Ra, Moondog, Captain Beefheart and Ariel Pink
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Casey Hannan
He had us at his Twitter handle (poetryduh), but Casey Hannan is more than just another Internet wit. He has published his fiction in several journals, and he has a book — titled Mother Ghost — due out in April. We went to him for proof that nobody answers a bunch of superficial questions better than a writer. He did not disappoint.
Age: 27
Occupation: Writer
Relationship status: Partnered
What’s your go-to drink? Water but with bourbon in it.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? I don’t ever feel guilty enjoying music. I’m only a little embarrassed to enjoy cover versions of songs from Broadway musicals. I’ll get a Sondheim song stuck in my head, and then I’ll look it up on YouTube and watch every recorded performance I can find, all the way down to the guy dressed in his Sunday best singing “Being Alive” into an echo mic in his disorganized garage.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? This section from Tennessee Williams’ memoirs where a young Williams is nearing the end of a trans-Atlantic voyage. He’s in the ship’s bar with a captain and a dance instructor. The captain looks at Williams and says to the dance instructor, “You know his future, don’t you?” Williams didn’t understand what the captain meant at the time, but he understood it years later, when he first started falling in love with men.
What’s on your nightstand? I don’t have a nightstand. I have a bedside chair that I fell on and broke the last time I had a seizure three years ago. There’s a combination flashlight-radio and books on the chair, always.
What’s the coolest thing in your home? One of my friends works in a science and nature store in New York. The coolest thing she’s sent me so far is a taxidermy bat I have hung up in a shadow box.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? I’m going to say Taj Palace. We love Indian food, and we love to sit in a booth for far too long, drinking chai and dissecting the performances of great actresses.
What’s your workout? I have an old recumbent exercise bike I’ve been holding onto for a friend. I ride that bike every other day and read or crochet while doing it.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? It wasn’t even a pickup line — more of a demand — and I hesitate to call it lame, but I got a late-night text once that said, “Come over and do something gross.” It eventually worked (alcohol).
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Direct and intense flattery
Dumped or dumper? Oh, definitely dumped. I never want good things to end.
If you want to impress me, feed me … Something challenging. I prefer strong flavors and questionable ingredients. My brother-in-law buys these large tubs of pork fu, which is a kind of dried meat floss that melts in the mouth like cotton candy. I can’t say I love it, but I respect it.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? I want to say Justus Drugstore, but it’s so far away, and I don’t have a car. How about Port Fonda? They have great food and drinks and also a bartender I could swear I’ve seen naked on the Internet.
Have you ever been the other man? Not for long. I ruined it with a poem.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Picky fucking eaters
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? Nothing. I will sit there and do absolutely nothing but look out a window.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Truman Capote for the sharply observed truths, Marlon Brando for the sexual dares, Gertrude Stein for the stunning admissions.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I’m working on being more present in conversation. I write all day and then I don’t feel like I have anything important to say out loud, which is probably true, but guess what: No one else has anything important to say out loud, either, but they say it, and that’s conversation.
What are you most vain about? The whole damn picture
What physical feature are you a sucker for? The parts exposed in hot weather.
Who’s on your crush list? At the top of the list right now is this guy who walks by my house every day on his way to work. I’ve never heard him speak, but I once heard him sing, which is why the crush has endured for two years. He probably has a name, but I don’t know it.
Elvis Achelpohl
If there’s one space we have a crush on in this town, it’s Dolphin, that beacon of art and modernity in the West Bottoms. Which brings us to Elvis Achelpohl, of BNIM Architects, whose CV lists, among other impressive credits, some design work for Dolphin. As he puts it on his website, those projects have included “art placement, a 25-foot-long leather boardroom table, and several dirty proposals for the West Bottoms.” Well, if there’s one thing we like in a designer, an architect or a date, it’s a good dirty proposal (near a long leather table).
Age: 27
Occupation: Architectural designer
Relationship status: Single
What’s your go-to drink? Iced Americanos. Pimm’s when I’m special.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Boosting CDs
What’s the last thing that made you cry? I was watching some trains go by or something.
What’s on your nightstand? Tiny dice
What’s the coolest thing in your home? Chickens out back and a rad Sistine Chapel mural in the stairwell
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard? “I think I know your mom.”
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? With food.
Dumped or dumper? I call it upcycling.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Tacos and cookies at Bonito Michoacan
If you want to impress me, feed me … Something you made.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? I want a snack-bar tab at YJ’s.
What’s your workout? Free cable at the YMCA
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Loving horses.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? My inner monologue goes outside.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Kelly Rowland
Have you ever been the other man or woman? No?
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I sleep too much.
What are you most vain about? Spacing
What physical feature are you a sucker for? Duchenne smiles
Who’s on your crush list? Robyn, Jeanne Gang, Bryan Ferry, the Devil (the band, not the actual devil), Blondie, Blondie Brunetti, Jane Jacobs circa 1961, Marion Mahony circa 1895, David Bowie circa forever, Solange, Sade, Ruby Sue, Zoka Zola, Gabrielle Costello, Little Freshie scones, Front/Space, dolphins, Anne Lindberg, Jaimie Warren, the interstate system, Margo May, whenever Hearts of Darkness plays, Peggy Noland’s store, Chloë Sevigny, Lara Flynn Boyle, Patti Smith a long time ago, and some Steven Holl buildings.
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Emily Cox
The food at Port Fonda is top-notch, sure, but the artsy-glamorous staff is no small part of the Westport hot spot’s appeal. Safely consider it a lucky day if Emily Cox, an adorable UMKC student studying psychology (with minors in Spanish and holistic medicine), is the server taking your pork-and-ricotta-meatball order.
Age: 20
Job: Server at Port Fonda
Relationship status: Have a boyfriend.
What’s your go-to drink? Horsefeather
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Beyoncé, maybe? Does Blackstreet count?
What’s the last thing that made you cry? The movie Ted. There’s this part where you think the teddy bear is going to get ripped apart. He doesn’t. But it’s sad when you think he’s going to. Sorry, I just ruined the movie if you haven’t seen it yet.
What’s on your nightstand? A mineral-salt lamp, a Charles Bukowski book, an alarm clock, body butter
What’s the coolest thing in your home? My cat, Jun
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard? I had a guy once ask if it hurt when I fell from heaven. Very tacky.
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Flatter me.
Dumped or dumper? In previous relationships, I’ve been the dumped. But I think now I would be the dumper. But I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now, so it’s not really a thought.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Port Fonda
If you want to impress me, feed me … Red velvet cake
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Manifesto
What’s your workout? Bikram yoga
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? I hate when dudes wear open-toed shoes, like sandals or flip-flops.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? I’m an extreme talk-to-myself person, probably more than the average person. I also pick my nose, but who doesn’t?
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? Johnny Knoxville. He seems like he would have some good dares. Probably some good truths, too.
Have you ever been the other woman? Not that I’m aware of.
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? I have a tendency to speak without thinking beforehand. It usually doesn’t end up working out very well.
What are you most vain about? My butt
What physical feature are you a sucker for? A strong jaw line. Broad shoulders.
Who’s on your crush list? David Beckham
Jim Sturgill
We’re sneaking Jim Sturgill just under the single-guy wire, as he’s about to explain. But since when has a crush heeded availability? Besides, he doesn’t mind if we’re into him for his mind. Funny guys are used to that, and Sturgill, part of the improv troupe Babel Fish (which roasts the 1990s love-on-ice classic The Cutting Edge at Screenland Crossroads February 22), is as quick-witted a dude as we’ve found in this town.
Age: 31
Occupation: Project manager
Relationship status: Engaged
What’s your go-to drink?
Whiskey — Balvenie Doublewood is a favorite, but Jack Daniel’s is ubiquitous. A good bartender will make a drink that will change your life, but finding one of those is like finding a best friend. Ordering the straight booze takes the risk out of a 22-year-old jackass screwing up your night.
What’s your guiltiest musical pleasure? Coheed and Cambria: soaring prog-rock melodies and sci-fi narratives about saving the universe from a supreme magic wizard — what’s not to love?
What’s the last thing that made you cry? An episode of the podcast Roderick on the Line. I was crying with laughter and sadness for all mankind. Supertrain will save us. You’ll see.
What’s on your nightstand? My Kindle, an iPhone dock and a lamp
What’s the coolest thing in your home? Probably my Saddleback briefcase. It’s heavy-duty leather and makes me look much more serious than I actually am.
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? “I need your help. I’m from the future.” I used that in Minneapolis, so it was kind of true.
What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Be smart. Be funny.
Dumped or dumper? Historically, I’m the dumper. Wow, 10-year-old me is really excited about that sentence being in a public profile.
What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Julian in Brookside. Great staff, great atmosphere, world-class drinks, and if your date doesn’t like the hush puppies, you don’t want anything to do with her anyway.
If you want to impress me, feed me … Your favorite food. Doesn’t mean I’ll like it, but it tells me something about you.
At what bar or restaurant would you like to have an open tab? Bier Station just opened a few blocks from my house.
What’s your workout? Started lifting weights seriously again. Lots of compound movements: squats, cleans, other terrible, terrible things.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? Not liking Aaron Sorkin TV shows. I’m a fan.
What do you do when you think nobody’s looking? Sing in the car and get some pretty raucous air drums going.
With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare? The Pope. It’d be some pretty interesting answers or some pretty interesting pictures.
Have you ever been the other man or woman? I think a girl broke up with her boyfriend to start seeing me and then started seeing him again without breaking it off with me. So I think in that situation we were both the other guy?
What character flaw do you wish you could fix in yourself? My socially crippling overconfidence.
What are you most vain about? Probably my hair. Kayla Bachman at Speak in the Crossroads keeps me from looking like a hippie. Mostly.
What physical feature are you a sucker for? Smiles: quality and teeth. The importance of orthodontia cannot be overstated.
Who’s on your crush list? I’m writing this about 10 minutes before I propose to my soon-to-be fiancée. She’s smart, funny and incredibly well-read. I’m a pretty smart guy, and she has a knack for blowing my mind with knowledge. Also, she’s super-hot. So I got that going for me. (She said yes.)
